Understanding The Heart of Your Husband

Recently I have been listening to various podcasts and audio books as a way to utilise the time when I’m cooking or doing chores around the house. It’s a fantastic way to ‘read’ a book or hear a message if you find that you don’t have the time to traditionally sit down and read.

Over the weekend I listed to a message by Dr Emerson Eggerichs called “Love and Respect”. For those of you who haven’t read his book of the same name, it is a must read in understanding the mind and emotions of both males and females and how it can help your marriage to grow and succeed.  Reading the book helped me to understand why my husband is the way he is and how I can relate better with him, which in turn helps him to relate better with me.

The message highlighted the fact that men crave respect and women crave love. This is shown clearly in Ephesians 5:21-33 where women are called to respect their husbands and men to love their wives. God has commanded this from us, because these are not things which come naturally to us. As a woman it is natural for me to show my husband love. To nurture is ingrained within my DNA. Respect on the other hand, well that takes a little more thought and effort, especially in the middle of a fight! The same rings true for a man when it comes to love.

Without love a woman reacts in a way that is disrespectful to a man and without respect, a man reacts in a way that is unloving to a woman and this can continue on and on, slowly destroying a marriage, unless somebody decides to break what Eggerichs calls the Crazy Cycle.

How does Dr Eggerichs describe this craziness?

Craziness is when we keep doing the same thing — again and again — with the same ill effect. Marital craziness is when we do the same thing — over and over — with the same negative results. I call it the Crazy Cycle. When hurt and frustrated, we continue reacting in negative ways to motivate our spouse to be positive. Can you believe it? That's like flipping broken light switches for 30 minutes.

What challenged me in his message was that in order to get off the crazy cycle,  I needed to look beneath all the craziness and see the heart of my husband. My husband is not a Judas but rather a Peter. He is not out to do me evil or cause me harm, but rather love, care and protect me. 

At different points both Judas and Peter let Jesus down, but their hearts were in completely different places and Jesus knew this. Therefore I need to believe that my husband means well and his heart is in the right place. He is human of course which means he won’t always get it right but it is in those times that I need to extend grace, just as the Father does to me and I would want for him to do to me, when I get it wrong.

Shaunti Feldhahn a leading researcher and author asked the following question to men she was interviewing:

What is the one thing you wish your wife knew but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?

The answer? “Just how much I love her”. For me that is such an encouragement to know, because I think sometimes as women we forget this, I know I do.

She continued on to say that men have a lot of goodwill and love towards us but don’t always know how to show it or get it across to us and as wives ”God has given us as women, a whole lot of power in our husbands lives to either build them up or to tear them down” {Proverbs 31: 12 coming back into play once again!)

In marriage just simply remembering this fact will help you move away from typical reactions (disrespect) in a conflict to showing your husband love AND respect, hopefully resolving the situation amicably.

Have you read Love and Respect? What do you think about the Crazy Cycle – does it happen in your relationship?

I am linking up with Jolene over at The Alabaster Jar.

Friday Finds: Not settling, facing insecurities + doing good all our days

Hope you’ve all had a wonderful week!

After two glorious extra bank holidays celebrating the Queen’s Jubilee, the weather has become decidedly British and rained ever since!

This week's Friday Finds are a cross section of links you might find useful.

1. Jolene over at The Alabaster Jar regularly blogs about marriage and I have been blessed immensely by her writing. She has started a new series called ‘Smitten for Him’ aimed at single women and her recent post about What not to settle for in your future husband is a must read.

2. Insecurity is something that a lot of us battle with. As a mother it can be 10x worse, this post discusses Why you can't afford to be an insecure mom and practical ways to deal with it.

3. On Tuesday I blogged about what I am learning in my Proverbs 31 series – this post is a continuation about Doing Good All of Our Days over at Good Morning Girls.

Hope you enjoy the links…feel free to share any good links/posts (including your own) in comments.

Have a great weekend!

Proverbs 31 Series: Doing Him Good + Having The Right Attitude

I am currently doing a Proverbs 31 study with Good Morning Girls and thought I would share with you what I have been learning. We are part way through week four and so far I am really enjoying getting deeper into these verses and applying them to my life.

Last week’s verses were Proverbs 31: 12-14.

What do these verses mean for today’s women?

Verse 12 - As long as she lives, she does him good and never harm.

This verse reinforced for me that marriage is for life -  “as long as she lives” the Proverbs 31 woman is committed to her marriage and doing good for her husband. As a wife I should make it my priority to ‘do him good’, realising that I have a powerful influence over my husband which should not be abused but honoured.

Doing good needs to be part of our character, which God will help us cultivate and we should always seek to ‘do good’ first and foremost to our husbands. Many times I have found myself treating others better than I treat my own husband, which is wrong. Verse 12 reminds me of where my priorities should lie. Looking for some ideas on how to do good to your husband, check out this post. 

Are you doing good to your husband?

Verse 13 – She keeps herself busy making wool and linen cloth.

Different bible versions say that she ‘works with eager hands’. I believe this verse is referring to the attitude we have when we are undertaking our duties around the home. This does not just apply to wives, but to women in general. Now I don’t get excited cleaning the bathroom as much as the next person, but my attitude when I do it should be a positive one. I mean in the first instance I should be grateful I have a toilet to clean! There are many people in the world who would be happy for this ‘luxury’ which we take for granted. Secondly everything I do should be to the glory of God {Colossians 3:23}. Finally, this is a labour of love for my family and that alone should change my perspective.

Do you struggle in this area? Courtney in her ebook  The Proverbs 31 Woman - One Virtue at a Time, encourages us to research and find inspiration {Pinterest in great here}, speak to other women who we know are good in this area and seek encouragement and advice. When I first met my husband I was not that great in the kitchen, I hardly spent any time there and much preferred to eat out all the time. As a newlywed this was not an affordable long term strategy, plus my husband preferred home cooked meals, so I had to change. I decided to spend some time with other wives I knew who were great in the kitchen, to ask them to show me how to make different dishes. I really enjoyed (and still do) this time of learning and have improved so much. Today I have a genuine love for cooking and preparing meals for my family.

Are you willing to work in your home? Do you have the right attitude?

Verse 14 – She brings home food from out-of-the-way places, as merchant ships do.

I grocery shop online for convenience, it is especially convenient when you have a baby in tow. This verse however did make me think, whilst it is convenient, is it cost effective? Could I be getting better deals if I visited different supermarkets (sans baby!). In what ways am I using our food budget effectively?

For the first time in a long time, this past weekend I planned our menu for the week and went to the store to buy the relevant ingredients. I then spent time making up 4 of the meals for the week in one batch (thanks for the inspiration Mrs O), so that I could freeze some and take some of the pressure off during the week. It’s great not having to worry about ‘what will we eat’.  This verse has challenged me to find ways in which I can serve my family better in this area.

How are you applying these verses to your life?

Related Proverbs 31 Posts
Proverbs 31 - A woman that Fears the Lord

Is Perfection Stopping You From Achieving Your Goals?

“Perfection is the mother of procrastination” Michael Hyatt (Platform)

At job interviews whenever they would ask “what are your weaknesses?’ I would always say I am a perfectionist. I would smile inside because I always believed that perfectionism was one of those ‘positive’ weaknesses. I mean come on, it’s good to want things to be right, right?

Not always. My problem is that I will keep working at something even when it is already good enough, to the detriment of other things. I don’t know when, to say “Enough! This is as good as this can get…let’s move on. Or enough…this is the best possible option for this situation…move on”.

I am currently reading Platform by Michael Hyatt and in his book he spends time talking about setting goals, reviewing your goals daily and not allow perfectionism to make you a procrastinator, something I believe I have been doing. 

Presently I am working on a new project and whilst a lot of things have been completed, there are still certain things I need to be doing to move it forward. Are they difficult things? No. Have I done them yet? No.

What are my reasons…well I could give you a whole host, but are they reasons or excuses? The activities I am spending my time doing are not bad in themselves and will need to be done eventually but they are not bringing me closer to achieving my goal and there lies the problem.

Perfectionism can also stop you even starting a project or fulfilling a dream/goal because you fear that it won’t be good enough, or you’ll never be able to do it as good as ‘x’. Again this is something we should fight against and speak against that fear. God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but of sound mind or as The Message puts it

“God doesn't want us to be shy with his gifts, but bold and loving and sensible” 2 Timothy 1:7.

The same mind-set works with other aspects of life. Waiting for the perfect man to come along. Waiting for the perfect time to get married? Waiting for the perfect time to have a family? Waiting for the perfect time to start your business or change career.  Let me tell you a secret about ‘perfect’…it doesn't exist.

If God has laid something on your heart, go for it. Take that step of faith and see where it leads, (I am talking to myself as well!). Put in the work and trust God.

Believe that He is walking alongside you and don’t allow ‘perfect’ to rob you of your success.

Is perfection stopping you from achieving your goals? Share below in comments.

p.s. thank you for sharing your ‘this time next year’ goals…I will be praying along!

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This time next year

This time last year we found out we were expecting a baby.

Fast forward 12 months and we have found ourselves enriched by this amazing 4 month old who has changed our lives way beyond we could have imagined. While it sounds a bit cliché, it's hard to imagine life without her.

In my old church we had this saying "this time next year" where by faith we would ask God for things believing that by this time next year we would have seen an answer.

Whether it was for a spouse, a job/qualification or a baby - 'this time next year' was a faith prayer and it was amazing to see how God answered and the testimonies people shared.

Back in 2008 my mum prayed a ‘this time next year’ prayer for me…for a husband {not that I wasn’t praying myself – but she did it publicly, at church, on my birthday}. Over the next twelve months God was kind and gracious and brought Afam and I to a place where by my next birthday we were engaged to be married. I am grateful for that prayer of faith.

Recently I was watching a Joyce Meyer teaching where she said we do not receive because we do not ask. Our motives need to be right but she said that often God is simply waiting for us to ask Him.

We have courage in God's presence, because we are sure that he hears us if we ask him for anything that is according to his will. He hears us whenever we ask him; and since we know this is true, we know also that he gives us what we ask from him. 1 John 5:14-15 (GNT)

Are you waiting on God for something? Have you asked Him?

What is your ‘this time next year'?

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