Understanding The Heart of Your Husband

Recently I have been listening to various podcasts and audio books as a way to utilise the time when I’m cooking or doing chores around the house. It’s a fantastic way to ‘read’ a book or hear a message if you find that you don’t have the time to traditionally sit down and read.

Over the weekend I listed to a message by Dr Emerson Eggerichs called “Love and Respect”. For those of you who haven’t read his book of the same name, it is a must read in understanding the mind and emotions of both males and females and how it can help your marriage to grow and succeed.  Reading the book helped me to understand why my husband is the way he is and how I can relate better with him, which in turn helps him to relate better with me.

The message highlighted the fact that men crave respect and women crave love. This is shown clearly in Ephesians 5:21-33 where women are called to respect their husbands and men to love their wives. God has commanded this from us, because these are not things which come naturally to us. As a woman it is natural for me to show my husband love. To nurture is ingrained within my DNA. Respect on the other hand, well that takes a little more thought and effort, especially in the middle of a fight! The same rings true for a man when it comes to love.

Without love a woman reacts in a way that is disrespectful to a man and without respect, a man reacts in a way that is unloving to a woman and this can continue on and on, slowly destroying a marriage, unless somebody decides to break what Eggerichs calls the Crazy Cycle.

How does Dr Eggerichs describe this craziness?

Craziness is when we keep doing the same thing — again and again — with the same ill effect. Marital craziness is when we do the same thing — over and over — with the same negative results. I call it the Crazy Cycle. When hurt and frustrated, we continue reacting in negative ways to motivate our spouse to be positive. Can you believe it? That's like flipping broken light switches for 30 minutes.

What challenged me in his message was that in order to get off the crazy cycle,  I needed to look beneath all the craziness and see the heart of my husband. My husband is not a Judas but rather a Peter. He is not out to do me evil or cause me harm, but rather love, care and protect me. 

At different points both Judas and Peter let Jesus down, but their hearts were in completely different places and Jesus knew this. Therefore I need to believe that my husband means well and his heart is in the right place. He is human of course which means he won’t always get it right but it is in those times that I need to extend grace, just as the Father does to me and I would want for him to do to me, when I get it wrong.

Shaunti Feldhahn a leading researcher and author asked the following question to men she was interviewing:

What is the one thing you wish your wife knew but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?

The answer? “Just how much I love her”. For me that is such an encouragement to know, because I think sometimes as women we forget this, I know I do.

She continued on to say that men have a lot of goodwill and love towards us but don’t always know how to show it or get it across to us and as wives ”God has given us as women, a whole lot of power in our husbands lives to either build them up or to tear them down” {Proverbs 31: 12 coming back into play once again!)

In marriage just simply remembering this fact will help you move away from typical reactions (disrespect) in a conflict to showing your husband love AND respect, hopefully resolving the situation amicably.

Have you read Love and Respect? What do you think about the Crazy Cycle – does it happen in your relationship?

I am linking up with Jolene over at The Alabaster Jar.