Reader Question: Sex + Courtship

Making it to the altar without crossing certain lines is the desire of every couple in courtship, but it is not easy. So when the following email came in from Niki I thought it was really important to address the issue.

I would like to know how whilst courting Mr E were you able to fight sexual temptation. Was temptation even there, if yes was it ever discussed between the two of you? What were some of the practical steps you used to fight it? Was the wait worth it? And what advice can you give to those choosing to practise celibacy? Thanks

Niki many thanks for your email.

In answer to your first couple of questions, yes temptation was there and yes with God’s grace we were able to fight it. I’m not saying this in a ‘yes were are so holy’ kind of way but yes in that we acknowledged temptation is very real and we actively took steps to prepare ourselves for it.

temp·ta·tion [temp-tey-shun] –noun

The desire to have or do something that you know you should avoid

We all face temptation but often we don’t do anything to prepare ourselves for it. In courtship you’re in this situation where you’re with the person God has called you to be with, each day you are getting to know them better and you’re falling deeper in love with each other. You are going to get married anyway, so what’s the big deal about having sex before saying ‘I do’, right? Err wrong!

In 2 Chronicles 12:14 we are told about Rehoboam, the king of Judah and the son of Solomon who ‘did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the LORD’. He was not ready for the attack of the enemy and as a result lost the fight. Preparation is key people!

Talk about it

In a relationship it’s important to be practical, acknowledge that there will be temptation and talk about how to handle it. At the very beginning of our courtship my husband and I had a very open and honest discussion about boundaries. What did we feel was right, what was wrong but ultimately what did the Bible say about it all. We agreed the lines and prayed that God would help us not to cross them.

What we set as boundaries for our relationship might be different to someone else but the ultimate aim is the same - no sex before marriage. By doing this it took away any pressure of ‘what-if situations’ and allowed us to focus on the relationship, getting to know each other better and preparing ourselves for what lied ahead.

Remember the triangle and focus on developing the marriage

Keeping God at the centre of your relationship, reading the word together, praying together makes it a lot harder to fall into compromising situations. During our courtship my husband and I prayed and studied the Bible together on a regular basis. We also listened to talks and read various books {see my sidebar} on marriage.

We quickly began to realise that the closer we came to God the more the Holy Spirit strengthened us and gave us the power to overcome sexual temptation. I would encourage you to develop your walk with God first and foremost as an individual and then as a couple.

This brings me onto a very important point. All of this can only happen if you’re in a relationship where both of you uphold the same Christian values. The Bible highlights the importance of not being unequally yoked.

Remain accountable

Having a level of accountability in any relationship really helps. Someone who prays with you, supports you and encourages you throughout the journey. This person needs to be someone who is older, more spiritually mature and is able to ask those questions! We had a really great discipler who ensured that we weren’t getting up to any hanky panky!

I believe that sexual temptation can be overcome if the right steps are taken in good time. Have a plan before it’s too late. Continue to pray and ask God for His grace to help you.

If you’re single the same applies. Have principles that influence the way you live and the decisions you make. Joseph {of Technicolor coat fame} was a young man who refused to comprise his principles by not sleeping with his bosses’ wife even if it meant getting thrown in jail. Don’t waste your single days wondering when it will all happen, but rather focus on developing your walk with God, hang out with your other Christian friends and work on becoming the person God has destined you to be.

Remember…

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)

And YES, the wait is so worth it!

Further Reading…

Why Wait for Sex? Focus on the Family

Marry Sooner Than Later Boundless

Marry for Sex Boundless