I agree.
The married generation do have a responsibility to advise those coming up behind them what it's all about, so that there are no delusions, disappointments or misinformed expectations and you enter marriage with your eyes wide open, fully prepared.
Take the whole wedding planning process for example. The magazines tell you it's one of the most exciting and fun times of your life. The majority of new wives who I have spoken to would disagree. I would disagree. Exciting - sometimes. Fun? Try stressful or maybe challenging! There are so many situations and issues which you have to contend with and it can be hard. The world expects you to keep smiling, when in fact you feel like going under your duvet and having a big cry.
The reality is, courtship is all about growing, maturing, making decisions about who you are as couple and sticking to them. It's about having disagreements but having the maturity to work it out and realise that yes, it is normal. It's about placing your relationship into God's hand and asking Him to guide you and give you wisdom.
Mr E and I really appreciate those couples who are honest with us and don't see life through rose-tinted spectacles, but tell it how it is.
Advice like:
- your wedding is just one day, your marriage will last a lifetime. Build your foundations.
- don't get into debt for your wedding, it's not worth it. Remember what's important.
- your wedding will NOT be the best day of your life {kinda glad about that one!} but enjoy it all the same.
- disagreements are not bad, it's how you handle them that is important. Try not to end the day without resolving your differences, communicate about EVERYTHING.
- marriage is not an easy ride. You will have to work at it, DAILY but the reward is great.
- love is a verb {not a feeling} and you choose to love.
And yes there will be days when you will wake up, look across the bed and not like the person you see.
This does not mean the love is gone...this is just marriage.
"Weddings are not marriages, and I wish they were. Weddings are to marriage as a single bamboo shoot is to a jungle, as a seashell is to the ocean floor: nice enough, not unrepresentative, and almost totally irrelevant. Marriage is all about the long road, about terror and disappointment, about recovery and contentment, about passions of all kinds. Weddings are about a party-- which is why I think marriage should be approached with blinking yellow lights, orange safety cones, and all other signs of great caution, and weddings should be encouraged as things apart." {Altared - by Colleen Curran}
Married folk - tell it how it is...Post your pearls of wisdom in comments.
Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteI'm single and looking forward to one day being able to put a lot of the information you shared into practice. I definitely agree that it's not worth going into debt for the wedding and that the focus should be on the marriage.
Great points raised by both Dawn and Chichi. I suspect that telling the truth about weddings and marriage is a little (ok, a lot) like telling the truth about childbirth and parenting:
ReplyDeleteEveryone wants to know what it feels like but everyone's experience is different and even if somebody shared every little detail with you, you still would bump into your own issues along your way, that no-one has told you about. Then, you have to figure it out yourself!
Also, people tend to pick and choose when 'telling you like it is'. Fact is, we're all secretive about some things, whether that be because
1) we dont want to share all the gruesome details and we want you look on at our baby/marriage with feelings of love and bliss or
2) we dont think the other person actually needs to hear it!
There is also the issue that if we all knew exactly what we were letting ourselves in for (marriage or parenthood) we would probably change our minds! ; ) By seeing/painting the rosey picture, I think in some ways it gives us hope and faith...and surely on the bad days, that is what sees us through. The hope that tomorrow will be better perhaps?
All that said, before getting married we received a ton of negative comments about marriage, about how hard it is and are we really ready...etc etc... I was annoyed because I actually wanted to believe in the rosey ideal! lol A few months before our wedding, we hit a MAJOR stumbling block in our relationship, but based on the (then unwanted) comments
about marriage etc, we realised that we could move on.
In summary (I know I'm going on..), I think it'S useful to give brides/newlyweds 'perspective' rather than tell them all the gory details...and then when the time comes they can use it as they wish.. ; )
100% its about the marriage, but as an old lady told me once 'you might as well do everything you want for your actual wedding, cos you'll only regret it afterwards'...
xxx