Guest Post: Do Ask, Do Tell - Openness & Communication

This is a guest post from Kemi from ‘Till My Dying Day’. A recent newlywed, here she share her experiences around the importance of communication in relationships.

If there’s anything that I can say has helped myself and my husband navigate this our journey together it would be our commitment to communicate and be open with each other about everything.

Very early on in our relationship, and I mean very early on, Bolaji and I had a chat where somehow we both came up with a term “full disclosure”. I can’t remember for sure now but I think it was my determination to tell him about every single person in my past, the circumstances surrounding each relationship, how it ended, how I feel or still felt about how it ended. Not a lot of men are interested in hearing the sordid past of their new beau but I insisted and told him, well I want you to be the foremost authority on me so that no one out there would be able to tell you anything about me that you didn’t already know and we haven’t already discussed. He agreed and the term full disclosure was born. Full disclosure in our household means that you tell your partner everything about everything, no matter how difficult, how weird, how strange, how uncomfortable it makes you or you think it will make the other person. This applies especially to emotions. Whatever it is you are feeling about anything, it is your duty to share and discuss. This is the attitude we’ve carried along the entirety of our relationship. As long as we can discuss whatever issue, it will never destroy us or hold power over us.

In preparing for my marriage, I bought a lot of marriage self-help books. I wanted to hear and learn from others’ experience and use their knowledge to solidify my own marriage. One of the most useful books that I read during this period was written by Darrell L. Hines and is called “Resolving Conflict in Marriage”.

The book is filled with all kinds of practical insights but two chapters that really spoke to me are called “Talk About It” and “Tell the Truth and Keep No Secrets.” Hines goes on to say:

“If you want to avoid a great deal of conflict in your marriage, don’t hide things from your spouse.

Don’t hide phone numbers from your spouse.

Don’t hide purchases you’ve made that you know took you over budget.

Don’t hide ‘friends’ from your spouse.

Don’t hide your activities from your spouse.

Don’t hide your whereabouts from your spouse.”

He goes on to say…

“For a person to ‘submit’ to another person, trust must be in place. You can’t submit to someone you don’t trust. And you can’t trust a person who is untrue to his or her words or who fails to have integrity when it comes to following through on that word.”

As mentioned earlier part of communicating is also sharing your feelings or emotions about any thing. If your spouse has found the job of his dreams in Wisconsin but you don’t want to move to Wisconsin, don’t hold it in. Share the feelings and talk about it. Work out a plan. If your spouse leaves their clothes on the floor for you to trip over every morning, talk about how that makes you feel. Discuss it in a loving manner and you’ll find that you’re able to find a solution.

Bolaji and I recently had a discussion where I shared my feelings on how difficult I find it sometimes coming home from a long hard day at work and having to start dinner and have dinner ready by the time he comes home. Of course he’s very supportive and understanding about everything but I also shared with him the amount of guilt I feel whenever he doesn’t come home to a nice meal. We talked about it and tried to find a solution for both of us. That was difficult for me personally because I thought he would think, “what kind of wife have I married?” but I’m glad I shared my feelings and let it out so it won’t fester and turn into resentment later on in my marriage. There are simple things too that I just think I don’t have to share that I didn’t actually do that proposal that I was supposed to do. He won’t ask me anyway so I’ll keep it. But then I always remember our vow of full disclosure and share everything. He’ll express his disappointment yes, but also ask me why I didn’t feel like doing it and then we talk about it together.

We have to be careful though whenever we talk about communication as there are right and wrong ways to communicate. I’ve found that it’s better to say how something makes you feel rather than focusing on the circumstances. Usually there’s a feeling behind every issue whether it’s feeling frustrated, unappreciated, anxious, unloved, or whatever. Communicate the feeling.

Being open with each other and sharing every experience and emotion has brought myself and my husband closer together than any other thing has. I enjoy working things out together and truly feel that so long as we share and discuss we can conquer ANY thing. I truly believe that when the devil sees a great union, a great marriage he starts plotting ways to destroy it right from the beginning. The Yoruba have a saying that where there’s no crack in the wall, a lizard cannot crawl into it. Lack of communication, and lack of “full disclosure” is one of the easiest ways for the devil to crawl in and create seeds of discord, distrust, unhappiness, and un-fulfilment.

Darrell Hines writes in his book, “Do ask. Do tell. What you reveal is what can be healed, forgiven, discussed, restored, and improved!”

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