Guest Post: Choosing to love

This is a guest post from Shona from Dance with Me. I really enjoyed it, I hope you do too!

Love’s Dimensions: Love as a decision put into action

They were like peas in a pod. When you saw one of them you knew that the other was not far off. Just by watching the way they interacted with each other it was easy for one to see that they were two people who were very much in love and enjoyed their marriage. I am talking about my aunty M and uncle B. Even my mum was impressed by their relationship and shared with us what she had seen when she had visited them at their house and her conclusion was that they were a blessed couple because even when you entered their home you could feel their love enveloping you because they were a couple who walked in love not only for each other but also for others.

I use the past tense because uncle B passed away suddenly a while back and most of my relatives including myself could not help but wonder how aunty M would cope with the loss but cope she did, actually way better than we had expected. In 2007 I got a chance to spend some quality time with her and I could not help but ask her about her relationship with uncle B, I am glad I did. The story she told me is one which inspired me beyond measure.

The initial years of their marriage had not been good ones. She told me how she had been a short tempered person, argumentative and had struggled with trusting and giving her heart to her husband because of past hurts. In contrast to her, uncle B had been a gentle, free spirited person who hated arguments and loved her with a passion. Whenever she tried to draw him into an argument (something she constantly did during those early years) he either laughed or made light of the situation or would gently say to her ‘M darling we can talk about it when you have calmed down’, this would infuriate her even more.

But as time went on because of her mood swings and constant complaining and bickering even he a very patient and loving man was starting to lose his patience. She said that one day she woke up and realized she was losing him and her marriage was becoming something that she did not like. That thought scared her to bits because she knew with no doubt that she was married to a good man and losing his love was something she did not think she could bear. It was then that she made up her mind that she was going to start afresh and do her best to become a better wife and she became one who was on a mission to save her marriage. She admitted that changing was one of the most difficult things to do because it meant putting aside her pride, of which she had tones but she was determined. She began with the small things like paying more attention to her husband, biting her tongue when she felt like blurting out stuff and doing small acts of love for her husband that she never did before and most of all she prayed a lot for strength because she knew on her own she would not be able to make it.

Slowly, she said she witnessed a revival in her marriage, her husband responded to her efforts and after a while though she did not become perfect and still lost her temper here and there, she said she learned to be open up to her husband, share her feelings and apologize when she wronged him. It was a journey she told me, one she was happy she made a decision to take and one she was glad her husband was willing to travel with her. That was how their relationship had blossomed, how they had grown to be best friends, becoming a team in whatever they did and look back they never did.

From Aunty M’s story I picked out some important lessons about love, marriage and relationships that I will never forget namely:-

1. Love is a two way street. No matter how much the other person might love if they feel their love is not returned – death of that relationship is most likely assured. (I can see that Chichi has the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman on her side bar it is an excellent book about learning to express love in a language that one understands. I would go as far as to say this book is a must read to anyone who wants to express love to others effectively).

2. Most likely than not people always respond to love. When they feel loved they usually respond in love.

3. Loving someone is a decision and it does not end there but requires that the decision be put into action. It may not be necessarily easy initially but it can still be done anyway – why? Because it is a choice.

4. When we hear or see couples who have a good relationship even after decades and decades of years of marriage it just did not just happen but it took commitment and lots work. I can liken marriage to a car which requires two full time mechanics in order for it to keep running efficiently.

5. It is not a myth that there are people who have good marriages, who enjoy their marriages hence making it possible for anyone to have such an experience. But then it boils down to how much do you want it and are you willing do what it takes to have it?

Congratulations Chichi and Afam!!!! May God bless you and be your guide as you start a life together. Lots of love and blessings to you.

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