When you see the term ‘In-laws’ – what do you do - laugh, smile, cry even!?!
The simple fact is that your in-laws are not going anywhere, so here are a few tips on how to have happy relationships with them:
1) His Mum is your Mum and His Dad is your Dad – instead of thinking of them as your ‘in-laws’, consider them as your ‘new-family’. I speak to my ‘new-mum’ (nearly) as much as my birth mum...we have a really good relationship and that’s because I consider myself to be the daughter she never had and behave accordingly. A high level of respect (and humour) have been key.
2) If they appear to like you, thank God for your blessings. Unfortunately not everyone gets along with their in-laws. If you do, you are very very fortunate!
3) Understand their values: Just as, in order to ‘get’ your beau you had to understand where (s)he was coming from…you also have to ‘get’ where your ‘new family’ is coming from. What is their viewpoint on religious, political and social issues? Knowing this will help you to understand why they say the things they say and it will help you respond positively. Note that responding positively is not the same as agreeing to everything they say!
4) Do not change for your ‘new family’! You are who you are - that's why you fell in love and are getting (or got) married. If they appear to have problems with who you are, then it’s most likely a communication problem. This often happens in cross-cultural situations. If there are some communication problems, or they appear not be happy with a major aspect of your personality (one that no-one has ever complained about before) – do nothing about it! I’m serious here. If everyone tells you talk too much, then you probably do – but otherwise, do nothing! You simply cannot put up a façade forever, eventually, the real you will slip out! Equally, it’s difficult to oppose someone forever; if your beau is happy with you as you are, the 'new family' will (or should) eventually come around to the idea that you aren’t going anywhere and that what they see is what they get.
5) Accept that they’re different: By the same token, don’t expect your ‘new family’ to be the same as your ‘birth family’. Your Mum may have stayed home with you and your 10 siblings baking biscuits and watching daytime TV, but if his Mum didn’t, don’t expect her to be enthusiastic when you say you want to be a stay-at-home Mum, which may be translated as 'I want your son to work, whilst I relax now!' Accept your ‘new family’ as they are. They have been this way long before you came on the scene; it’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect them to change now.
6) Get to know your ‘new family’ (without your partner); they will become your family too, it’s great to build solid relationships with them and to enjoy and feel comfortable in their company. My cousin-in-law, (who is actually more like a brother-in-law) is now one of my favourite people! We have the best phone conversations and can spend hours chatting – without Mr O. I’ve made a concerted effort to get-to-know all of my ‘new family’. Of course on occasions, this may be treated with suspicion and in many cases you won’t become best friends overnight, but it’s a great foundation.
7) Don’t tell them everything – they can and will choose the worst possible moment to air your laundry. With your beau – of course you have to share EVERYTHING – there can be NO secrets, but with his Mum --- well, she doesn’t need (or want) to know about what you got up to before you became the ‘good girl!’ that her dear son is now marrying! This applies to the men out there too!
8) United we stand: You and your beau must learn to create a united front, starting now if you haven’t already. You both need to put one another ahead of EVERYONE else, including your parents, sisters, friends and dare say it, children! That's where the 'forsaking all others' bit becomes real. Your husband/wife’s well-being MUST come first. If When your ‘new families’ start to present alternative ideas/lifestyles/life-plans for you both – it will be MUCH easier to politely decline their suggestions if you do it together than to battle against them alone.
9) Unsolicited advice – listen to it, smile and then decide for yourselves what you want to do – try to communicate this in a non-antagonistic and respectful manner. In most cases and for the sake of harmony, it simply isn’t worth arguing with your ‘new family’, they are not always as forgiving as your ‘birth family’. Choose your battles wisely! James 1:19 sums this up well: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”.
10) Always make the extra effort with your ‘new family’. This doesn’t mean going all out to impress them - You don’t have to cook a 5 course meal with a homemade sorbet course BUT you must always
The simple fact is that your in-laws are not going anywhere, so here are a few tips on how to have happy relationships with them:
1) His Mum is your Mum and His Dad is your Dad – instead of thinking of them as your ‘in-laws’, consider them as your ‘new-family’. I speak to my ‘new-mum’ (nearly) as much as my birth mum...we have a really good relationship and that’s because I consider myself to be the daughter she never had and behave accordingly. A high level of respect (and humour) have been key.
2) If they appear to like you, thank God for your blessings. Unfortunately not everyone gets along with their in-laws. If you do, you are very very fortunate!
3) Understand their values: Just as, in order to ‘get’ your beau you had to understand where (s)he was coming from…you also have to ‘get’ where your ‘new family’ is coming from. What is their viewpoint on religious, political and social issues? Knowing this will help you to understand why they say the things they say and it will help you respond positively. Note that responding positively is not the same as agreeing to everything they say!
4) Do not change for your ‘new family’! You are who you are - that's why you fell in love and are getting (or got) married. If they appear to have problems with who you are, then it’s most likely a communication problem. This often happens in cross-cultural situations. If there are some communication problems, or they appear not be happy with a major aspect of your personality (one that no-one has ever complained about before) – do nothing about it! I’m serious here. If everyone tells you talk too much, then you probably do – but otherwise, do nothing! You simply cannot put up a façade forever, eventually, the real you will slip out! Equally, it’s difficult to oppose someone forever; if your beau is happy with you as you are, the 'new family' will (or should) eventually come around to the idea that you aren’t going anywhere and that what they see is what they get.
5) Accept that they’re different: By the same token, don’t expect your ‘new family’ to be the same as your ‘birth family’. Your Mum may have stayed home with you and your 10 siblings baking biscuits and watching daytime TV, but if his Mum didn’t, don’t expect her to be enthusiastic when you say you want to be a stay-at-home Mum, which may be translated as 'I want your son to work, whilst I relax now!' Accept your ‘new family’ as they are. They have been this way long before you came on the scene; it’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect them to change now.
6) Get to know your ‘new family’ (without your partner); they will become your family too, it’s great to build solid relationships with them and to enjoy and feel comfortable in their company. My cousin-in-law, (who is actually more like a brother-in-law) is now one of my favourite people! We have the best phone conversations and can spend hours chatting – without Mr O. I’ve made a concerted effort to get-to-know all of my ‘new family’. Of course on occasions, this may be treated with suspicion and in many cases you won’t become best friends overnight, but it’s a great foundation.
7) Don’t tell them everything – they can and will choose the worst possible moment to air your laundry. With your beau – of course you have to share EVERYTHING – there can be NO secrets, but with his Mum --- well, she doesn’t need (or want) to know about what you got up to before you became the ‘good girl!’ that her dear son is now marrying! This applies to the men out there too!
8) United we stand: You and your beau must learn to create a united front, starting now if you haven’t already. You both need to put one another ahead of EVERYONE else, including your parents, sisters, friends and dare say it, children! That's where the 'forsaking all others' bit becomes real. Your husband/wife’s well-being MUST come first. If When your ‘new families’ start to present alternative ideas/lifestyles/life-plans for you both – it will be MUCH easier to politely decline their suggestions if you do it together than to battle against them alone.
9) Unsolicited advice – listen to it, smile and then decide for yourselves what you want to do – try to communicate this in a non-antagonistic and respectful manner. In most cases and for the sake of harmony, it simply isn’t worth arguing with your ‘new family’, they are not always as forgiving as your ‘birth family’. Choose your battles wisely! James 1:19 sums this up well: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”.
10) Always make the extra effort with your ‘new family’. This doesn’t mean going all out to impress them - You don’t have to cook a 5 course meal with a homemade sorbet course BUT you must always
· be the ‘bigger man’ or ‘bigger woman’
· never make snide comments;
· always be the first to say sorry {I hope you would never need to!};
· be the first to offer acts of kindness;
· remember birthdays;
· keep their favourite drink in stock, for those impromptu visits!
· call every now and again just to say ‘hi’;
· Smile and show how happy you are through your words and actions to be part of the family!How do you keep things sweet with your 'new family'?
Solid Advice chichi. Very solid.
ReplyDeleteI love the first one. We have made it a point in my relation not to even refer to our parents as "your parents or my parents".. we call our parents "Daddy so-so" & "Mummy so-so".
I also like the not telling them everything part... I got tht also from the "Not easily broken" Movie tht I saw recently.
Thanks for sharing with us
- LDP
This was excellent!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mrs O. Some very useful information here...though I'm not married I can see the importance of what you're saying here when I look at how my mum and dad's side of the family relate to each other.
ReplyDeleteBUT have you watched any Nollywood movie?Some of the in-laws I see there are nightmare-ish if there's even a word like that.
Glad you liked the advice guys!
ReplyDeletex
Mrs O
I think Mrs O has done a great job of capturing the challenges and issues we must address when dealing with our current or potential in-laws.
ReplyDelete@Berean Girl - very true. Some people are not fortunate enough to have the 'ideal' scenario and the relationship becomes very strained and destructive.