Dealing with the extras

So RSVPs are still rolling in, despite the 4th June deadline. To be honest, with the delay in getting the invites out, the deadline was unofficially extended by a week or so.  However some people have contacted us to say they still haven't received their invites, which has been a little frustrating given that they were sent in the same batch with people who have received theirs and have sent in their RSVP. Royal Mail - Get it together!!!

We’ve also heard reports about certain people asking why they weren’t invited. You just can’t win. We would have liked to invited everyone, but it’s not possible practically or financially.

Reading Amy's post from yesterday, I totally feel her pain about uninvited guests and people who RSVP late. We have spent many hours deliberating back and forth, how we can tackle this problem in a professional and efficient way. I mean, come on… how can someone decide not to show up at the church, just so that they can get a good table at the reception! What is the day supposed to be about? My dad has already advised one his friends who said they were going to do that, that they will be disappointed as that is not how we will roll {well he didn’t use those words, but you catch my drift}.

Also how difficult is it to say that you are coming to an event? There are many channels available to do it, whether it be online, by post, telephone or text but still ten days out, some people haven’t said anything.

In addition, our guest list appears to be growing daily. My dad printed the invites so in effect, my parents have a never ending supply of them and every day I learn of new people who have been added to the guest list. Fortunately our caterer is not charging per head, but I still worry about the capacity in our venue, having enough food and gatecrashers. We know people will try it, so we have had to think like a ‘gatecrasher’ and prepare for every eventuality.

One of the things we have decided to do is to allocate seating. We plan to have our Ushers and Hostess, AND security checking people’s names off the list. It’s the only way to ensure some sort of order. Yes I know at this late stage that it will be a big task to undertake, but my Aunty and Uncle have agreed to assist with this and we feel it is absolutely necessary to ensure that the people who were invited and have respectfully given a response to say that they are coming, are guaranteed a seat and taken care of. Those not in that position will unfortunately have to wait to be seated. We want to ensure that our guests are given first priority, which is only fair I think!

Thoughts?

“Timothy Matthews”

Long before Mr E and I got together, my girlfriend, SB used to joke that I would end up with ‘Timothy Matthews’ because of how little I knew about Nigerian culture.

Timothy Matthews was the name we gave to the Oyibo man and all that came with it.

I was born in England and have lived here all my life. I have only visited Nigeria once, when I celebrated my first birthday and have vague memories of the trip. Mr E was born in Nigeria and has lived there all his life. He came to the UK to study and has been here ever since.

One of my dear readers recently sent me an email asking whether we faced any challenges given our cultural differences. Interesting question!

Growing up I often felt like a coconut {black on the outside and white on the inside}. I knew I wasn't white but I didn't have a lot of external black influences outside of my family and OFNC. My parents were great in telling us about Nigeria, teaching us some of the language and cooking the food etc but it wasn’t the same.

I was one of three black people at school and given that one of the other people was my sister, that’s not a lot of black people!. We went to a white church and I mainly had all white friends. {Side Note: Ever see that episode in Desperate Housewives when Gaby’s daughter Juanita doesn’t realise that she is Mexican. Carlos and Gaby can’t understand why, but then look around Wisteria lane and all they see are Caucasians.}

It wasn't until I left university that I began to have more black people in my social circle. I joined a black church and was shocked when SB, who is Jamaican knew more about my culture than I did. Hence the term Timothy Matthews. It was at that point that I knew I needed to re-engage with who I was and learn more about my roots.

Over the last few years, I have gradually learned to make the dishes {still lots to learn but we’re getting there}, have started to build my gele and ankara collection and know how to have a basic conversation in Igbo. I love our culture, our food, our clothing, our hospitality and while there are still many things I am learning I am enjoying being a ‘student’. I look forward to the day when I can speak Igbo fluently.

Mr E came to the UK and had to become accustomed to a different way of life too. No more house girls, no more drivers. He went to university and had to learn how to cook for himself, something that would be unheard of for a man in Nigeria. But he dealt with it and adjusted.

Despite our obvious cultural differences, Mr E and I discovered we had very similar upbringing because essentially Christianity came before culture. We both always went to church and Sunday school, learnt about the bible from an early age and each always prayed as a family. We were both taught about Godly values and we both grew up on Salty and Kids Praise, Sound of Music and the King and I. We both came from homes where education and integrity was important. But fundamentally God was the foundation and that has helped to provide common ground as we start to build our home.

Comparing the two cultures. The Nigerian way is all about reaching out and connecting. You know you can always stop by a Nigerian's house and there will always be food. You will always be welcome and you don’t even need to give notice! The English way is much more reserved, often insular, as if in a way people are too afraid to reach out. There is no way you could rock up without seeking permission for your visit beforehand.

The Nigerian way is very lassez faire and BPT {black people time} rules the day, whereas the western way, time is money and people like to compartmentalise things.

Family and community is everything is Nigeria, hence why our weddings are enjoyed by all whether or not you have an invitation. The guest list often exceeds 300+, but in England anything more than 80 is classed as a ‘large’ wedding.

In a society where the world is getting smaller and we mix with so many different cultures on a daily basis, from Day 1, Mr E and I want our children to know where they come from and to visit Nigeria frequently. We want them to be able to understand and speak Igbo, enjoy the food and know their roots, at the same time still appreciating the positive aspects of British culture.

I firmly believe it's about having a good level of understanding of who you are and getting the best from both worlds.

What cultural differences do you and your significant other share and how are you tackling them?

Image {Source}

p.s. Best wishes to Dawn over at Happy Nappy Bride who gets married tomorrow!

8 ways to build your new community

Four months ago, I relocated to a new city, which was huge emotionally. I left behind a way of life I had known for 25 years and moved to a city where I felt like a tourist for such a long time. I didn't know where anything was, I didn't know anybody apart from Mr E and one or two old friends plus I had a new job. It was tough!

Today, whilst I can't quite call myself a local, I am pleased to say that things are starting to come together. I've settled into work, got myself into a routine with the daily commute, caught up with some old friends, figured out where my local Tesco is (both 24 hours and Express), and most importantly found myself a new church.

So what has worked for me as I’ve started to build my new community? Here are some of the things I did:

1. Join a church. Seems quite obvious if you’re a Christian but even if you’re not a regular church goer, a local church is a great community to be part of. I find it helps me a lot, when trying to establish a new base. On my very first Sunday, we visited the local Methodist church, where we got to meet some of the locals in the area. Now whilst I wasn't sure at the time whether I would start going to this particular church, I found the members super friendly and they gave me some good advice on where local things were, short cuts to the train station and some history about the village, things I would not necessarily have known about otherwise. They were even kind enough to send a congratulatory wedding card around the date of our wedding, not knowing the wedding had been cancelled and that was really touching. Depending on your denomination you should be able to find a church quite easily using www.findachurch.co.uk and most churches have their own websites so you can find out more about services and mid-week meetings.
2. Re-connect with old friends. It is a small world out there and more often than not you will bump into people you didn’t even know lived in your area. This happened to me and I discovered that a few of my childhood friends now live locally. We took the opportunity to meet up over dinner and this was really good in building a new friendship group locally as not only did we catch up but they also introduced me to other people as well.
3. Transfer old networks. Back in your old community I’m sure there are groups whether social, religious or sporting that you belong to and there is nothing stopping you transferring them to your new place. For example I belong to OFNC who have branches all over the country and I know that in the major towns and cities across the UK, there will always be OFNC members there, who I can connect with. Do a little research, ask your old group, find out whether they have a base where you’re moving to, as that is something you can get involved in straight away.
4. Be prepared to put yourself out there. Back in my old city I was very familiar with the professional networking circuit and was used to seeing familiar faces whenever I went to different events, a network which I had built over 2/3 years. I remember attending a woman's networking event here in Birmingham for the first time, having only been here for three weeks. I didn’t know anyone to go with, so I went on my own, I didn’t know anyone when I got there, so again I was on my own and it was completely nerve racking! Nevertheless, it forced me to make the effort to talk to people and I’m glad that I did as I had a great time and that evening I met three fabulous ladies, two of which I have subsequently met for dinner, and the other who I connect with through email and twitter. The great thing about these professional relationships is that they can help connect you to other relevant people in your field. Don’t be afraid to put yourself outside your comfort zones. Sometimes it’s in those situations you end up having the best time and learning more about yourself.
5. Take up some new (or old) interests. I love singing and regularly sang in my old church choir. Having moved I would love to continue this at my new church. Now this won’t happen overnight but it’s something good to work towards and will help me get more integrated, thus building my community. I also recently joined the gym in an attempt to get fit for the wedding. Now to be honest I don’t really go to the gym to make friends as I’m hardly there, but I know some people who do. So if you’re that person get yourself down to your local sports facility and get involved, whether it be football, tennis or salsa dancing. Hobbies and interests are a great way to make new friends.
6. Get out and meet the local business. The village (and yes they still call themselves a village) where I live is small! There is just one high street where you can find everything, such as the bank, chemist, baker, butcher, post office, grocery store and of course the fish and chip shop and curry house. I have made a point to visit most of them and in a village as small as mine, locals always know when there are new people about and start to talk to you, asking questions. Be open to this, they’re not being nosey (well sometimes they are), they are just keen to find out more about you as well as give you useful information. In terms of my neighbours themselves I have spoken to most of them, but it’s the usual ‘hi/bye’. I did ask to borrow a can opener from my immediate neighbour when I first moved in and that was probably the longest conversation I have had with any of my neighbours. I hope over time, that this will change.
7. Join the Residents Association. May seem a little 'OTT' or old school but this has helped me to get familiar with the village where I live and its goings on. They also provide advice about safety, recycling and new things coming to village, as well as update you on things that are already in the village. Last week for instance, I found out that the local high school/college has it own sports facility which is open to the public in the evenings and you can use the gym, do dance glasses, play badminton etc – all at a greatly reduced rate than what I’m currently paying at my city centre gym. So finding that out has been really beneficial and I will be cancelling my Virgin Active membership pronto.
8. Finally, if in doubt, Facebook it. When I am trying to find out something locally and I haven’t got a clue, I often post the question in my status on Facebook. This has worked on numerous occasions, more recently when trying to find a new hairdresser and your Facebook friends who live in the area or know the area will come back to you with an answer, which nine out of ten times, will be very useful!

So there you have it, some of the things that have worked for me. I’m sure that there are more, so feel free to leave your own tips below.

Commuting disturbance

So I'm on my way home from work about to settle down to 20 mins of tranquillity and a guy walks onto the train, music blaring.

Why do people think its appropriate to play their dance/house/garage/hip hop (delete as appropriate) music without headphones, for all to hear. No mate, I do not want to hear your music!

The daily commute is supposed to be a time of peace, reflection and catching up on my sleep. However, more often than not, it is disturbed by the youth of today who think I do not have access to MTV and wish to hear their latest offerings live. I'm sure it's not just me. Looking around the train I can see others who are just has frustrated.

What can one do? You daren't say anything for fear of being knifed/attacked/beaten up/mugged (again delete as appropriate) because clearly someone who has no issue with 'blasting out the tunes' with no consideration of others, will have even less of an issue, giving you 'what for' if you challenge them.

I dunno what do people think? What would you do?

Patiently waiting...

Apologies, if I'm generalising, but why do black salons think it's okay to keep you waiting for ages? Anytime you want to get your hair done, you need to book out a whole day for what should only be a two hour appointment.

(source)

Scenario 1:
I went to a place last Friday for a 3pm appointment. At 4:20pm I was still waiting to be seen and there was still someone ahead of me.

I walked out.

As I was leaving the guy at the front desk shouted out to me, 'could you not wait?'

'COULD I NOT WAIT! I'm sorry but I think one hour and twenty minutes is long enough time to wait if you ask me! This is so not good!'

'Sorry' was all he said, as if it were normal. I was so annoyed!

Scenario 2:
On Saturday I visited another salon, on recommendation. My appointment was for 2pm and I arrived at 1:55pm. And get this - I was seen at 2pm on the dot! The whole salon experience was completely different from start to finish.

Call me a cynic but this second place was not a 'black' salon and their approach to customer service was poles apart, amongst other things.

Now I'm not saying all Black salons are bad, but how hard can it be, to not overbook clients and to stick to time. Salon owners of the world, I plead with you!

Anyways, hair has been done and it's now a lot shorter than when I went in, (but in a much healthier state). Think Chanelle from BB or Posh Spice. I'm still getting used to it and I'm not sure I completely love it, but time will tell and it will always grow, right!

Ladies, share your salon stories, what's the longest time you've had to wait to be seen?