Five things that will destroy your marriage

One of the great things about the internet is that it provides an international church community.

I might not be able to fly across to Charlotte, NC to hear Steve Furtick at Elevation Church or visit Green Bay, WI to see Mark Gungor at Celebration Church but through the power of technology I can watch or listen to their sermons whenever or wherever I like.

Recently I stumbled across Pete Wilson from Cross Point Church, Nashville. They are currently doing a series called ‘5 Things’, where they are looking at five things which will destroy your marriage. They have labelled  the series “An essential guide for those who are married and a cheat sheet for those who are single.”

The five things they have highlighted that will destroy your marriage {in order of the series} are:

- Leftovers

- Expectations

- Leaving God out

- Failing to forgive

- Withheld truth

One thing that stuck out for me in his first teaching on Leftovers (i.e. given your spouse what’s leftover} is that it is “so easy to fall in love, but we’re dangerously ill-equipped to stay in love”.

I love a quote by J.John, which says

‘if there was more courting in marriage, there would be less marriage in court’

If you were rating your marriage today out of 10, what would you give it?

Often it can be so easy to settle for 6/10 marriage because things are ‘fine’, you’re not fighting etc. We should always be striving for 10/10. We need to make a conscious effort to put the love and romance back into our marriages and not to be complacent about it.

Also as a reminder he said that…

Marriage is not a strategy for wholeness.

Marriage is not a cure for loneliness

Marriage is not an escape from boredom

The whole series is addressed to both single and married people and is available online for you to watch or listen. I am following and have been blessed. If you get the opportunity, hope over and have a listen.

In the meantime, here is a fun video Pete made with his wife Brandi about ‘expectations’.

See if you can relate!

Expectations // Illustration from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

Feel free to share your expectations of marriage in comments!

My other family

When I got married, I officially became part of another family. I became a daughter to a new set of parents and became inaugurated as the newest member of their 'club'. The nice thing was, this process did not start after the wedding but long before.

I am genuinely blessed to have great in-laws and love my father and mother in law dearly.  They are God-fearing people who are kind, wise and care for me as if I was their own and they have taken deliberate steps to bring me into their family.

Relationships with your in-laws are really important. We've all heard the horror stories about how this relationship could turn out, so my tips below are based on my own experiences. Afam's parents do not live in the same country as us, so that obviously influences the relationship but I know that if they were here, we would love to spend more time with them for sure.

Tips for developing your in-law relationship:

1. Take time to get to know them. They are the people that brought your husband into the world and raised him. Similar to your own parents they will have had their own life experiences and may have valuable knowledge to share and wisdom to impart. Looking from their perspective, they too want to know more about you, this woman who has won their son's heart. Allow them to get to know you, as you get to know them.

2. Take time to get to know his siblings. If he has sisters, especially get to know them. (You do know they have the deciding vote right - kidding!). Not only can they tell you great stories about your husband from his younger days, but again they can offer valuable advice on the family dynamics. If you've never had siblings, your brother/sister in law relationship will give you an opportunity to develop that.

3. Make an effort to communicate with them off your own back. i.e. don't only speak to them when your spouse hands over the phone, after they have finished speaking with them. Take the opportunity to give them a call or text yourself. They will be pleased to hear from you. This is something I am guilty of and trying to improve upon.

4. Treat and respect them as you would your own parents, but equally establish clear boundaries as to what aspects of your lives they will and won't be involved in.

5. Ladies, when you're visiting their home especially for the first time, do not sit around, offer to help. Even if your help is refused, the fact that you offered will be noted and remember first impressions count! I know a story of a girl who when she visited the home of her future in-laws, did not enter the kitchen once and spent most of her time in the bedroom. Not a good look! When I visited Nigeria last year, the house was full of house helps who did everything, however I made an effort to spend time in the kitchen. There were a few dishes I wanted to learn, so this was a great bonding experience for me and my mother in law.

Do you have any other tips for building your in-law relationships?

Potential - A follow Up

Last week's post on Potential raised a number of comments and debate both here on the blog and on Facebook. Rather than write individual responses, I thought it would be better to do a follow up post.

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Essentially what it comes down to is 'what do you want in a husband'?

This could be based on material qualifications , life goals and/or character.

We all want different things in life and look out for various qualities in the man that we want to marry. What you need to determine is whether those qualities are already evident in his life. Sometimes these qualities may just be at the seed stage, which means they have not yet blossomed but glimpses of it are beginning to spring forth.

Maybe he is not yet the President of the USA but he's a cell leader at church, demonstrating leadership skills. Maybe he's not the CEO of a fortune 500 company but he is diligently running his own small business which is successful and shows that he has vision and can be consistent with something.

Just like in a job interview where they ask you to give examples of particular competencies i.e leadership, teamwork, problem solver in order to establish whether you have the potential to develop those skills in the role that they are offering, whatever the scenario you need to be able to identify those seeds of potential.

Luke 16:10 reminds us "If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won't be honest with greater responsibilities.'

It is good to have standards but not to the point where you let really great guys pass you by because you're not willing to invest the time to grow with him.

Potential vs Liability
Potential and liability may look the same on paper but they are clearly distinct.

Potential = positive risk

Liability = negative risk

Yes Barrack had no job and his car had a hole, but he was also a Harvard Law graduate with a plan and pretty clear goals, something Michelle obviously saw and admired.

When I met Afam he was a masters student, I was a manager in my place of work. Yes we were on different rungs on the ladder, but similar to what Buky said in her comment, after sitting down and discussing with him, it was clear that he was a very focused man who knew where he was going in life. He had evidence to support his words and also demonstrated the traits of what I was looking for in a husband. Today he is well on his way to realising his potential.

Here are some questions to ask yourself...

1. What vision does he have for his life and what steps is he taking to get there?

2. As actions speak louder than words, what 'fruits' is he exhibiting in his life?

3. What are the opinions of those around him? Who are his friends? As Christiana wrote in a very similar post, our closest friends are usually one of two things a) A reflection of who we are, b) An indication of what we will be

4. How does he treat those around him?

Like I said a lot of what you observe will depend on what you're looking for but if you start to see any red flags do not dismiss them.

Potential and Character
The search for a mate has its own checks and balances and there are things, which if identified should not be ignored. The character of your future husband is fundamental in knowing his potential.

Traits in a man such as womanising, abuse or addiction (drink, drugs, porn) should not be overlooked. That is not what I mean by potential. Such a man is not ready to be a husband and it doesn't matter how much so called potential you think he has in other areas.

A story on potential
Here in the UK you would have seen the sports headlines a few weeks ago where Liverpool Football Club purchased Andy Carroll for £35 million. Now Carrol is no Rooney or even a Torres. He is not yet established or well known in the International Leagues. He is merely a rising star in the Premiership. So why that much money?

Because Liverpool saw in him, a 22 year old with great promise to become a Rooney or Torres, coupled with many more years of football, left in him. They recognised his potential and were prepared to pay the money. A risk? Maybe. But the reward would be worth it. That is how potential is. It is so glaring that you are prepared to pay a price to see it realised.

Potential = Faith
Ultimately in all of this, it all comes down to faith. Nothing in life is certain. Each day we make decisions and take steps based on the information in front of us at that moment in time, something I know too well.

Through prayer, we ask God to give us wisdom and then allow Him to have His way. The same goes for choosing your future spouse.

Yes there are risks involved but God gives us the grace to handle each situation he presents before us and he also guides us to make the right choices.

Remember that faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. {Hebrews 11:1}

Now that is what potential is all about.

Potential

 

She’s a 4th Year attorney at a very prestigious Chicago law firm, who’s doing really well.

She’s on her way to becoming partner.

A guy wants to date her, who just got out of school, didn’t have a job, had a car with a hole in it. Had no money.

But she is a very successful lawyer and she’s even practicing in her home town. He’s not even from the town, he doesn’t know anybody.

She saw potential in him. In fact she saw it so much that when they got married, she was the primary bread winner in the family for the first 10, maybe more years.

Potential.

Now he’s the President of the United States and she’s the first Lady.

If you were in Michelle’s position, how would you have responded?

Would you have:

a) Looked at his status, lack of money, lack of job and possessions, kissed your teeth and told him off for even thinking he could talk to you.

or

b) Look beyond his current situation and see the potential standing before you.

If you answered a – you join the growing group of young women today who base their relationships on the current status of a man and not where he could be in the future. It’s a sad situation because you may be rejecting a man that God has chosen for you by basing your judgements on outwardly appearances alone.

Great men do not appear overnight. They are moulded, developed and grown as God sows into their lives. Through your encouragement, prayer, support and love, an ordinary man can become an extraordinary man.

If you speak to most men who are searching for a wife, they will tell you that at this crucial stage of their lives, they are searching and need a woman who will believe in them. As a woman you have the power to influence a man’s life positively or negatively. Which one will you choose?

Similarly comparing a man to your father or another male figure in your life, can be equally as dangerous. Those men as wonderful as they are did not start out that way and like a fine wine took time to reach the quality they are at now. By making comparisons it prevents you from appreciating what you have before you.

Zechariah 4:10 tells us not to despise the days of small beginnings.

Do you appreciate the potential in people or do you judge based on what you ‘see’?

{This post kicks off our Ready for Marriage series, where every Monday I will be talking through different topics to help you as you prepare yourself for the one God has for you.}

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Singleness, Marriage and Sex

That was the title of the sermon at church yesterday.

We are currently going through 1 Corinthians and when I saw this topic on the schedule for last week, I have to admit I was looking forward to it. Not all churches talk about sex and I was interested to see how this topic would be handled. 

The thing about sex in particular is that it is discussed so much outside of the church, whether it be in our schools, in the media, on the TV or in our magazines. Unfortunately most of the time, the truth is not spoken,
which is why I feel the church has a huge responsibility to talk about it. After all it is God's design.

While some of Sunday's message was not new to me, I was blessed and God spoke to me. 

Singleness

He started by going back to basics: what is God's mind on the topic?

In Genesis 2:18-24 we read that it was God who decided that it was not good for a man to be alone and that he would create a suitable helper for him  This tells us that the desire to have a partner is not new but was God's idea and in His kindness He will provide a partner who will be suitable for us. He will not bring someone into your life to cause you pain as the person you marry will affect your destiny. You only need to look at Samson to know that this is true.

On this point I find it interesting that some men do not fully understand the implications of what this means. God has created a woman for you, who will be your helper. I find it sad when I see men who shut their wives out of their lives, never consult them, trying to do things on their own and wonder why they don't succeed. Men, let us help you...that is our role!

Another key thing to note is that after God created Eve, He brought her to Adam (v22). He did the introduction. The steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord (Proverbs 19:6). God will orchestrate our relationships if we let Him. This does not mean that you sit back and do nothing either. The least that is expected of a believer, is to ask God to lead and allow Him to take control. As a single person, start praying for your prospective spouse that God would keep them, protect them etc.

Darkness and light cannot walk together. This means that one should not enter into a relationship with someone who is not a follower of Jesus. Where you have light and darkness walking together, after a while darkness will begin to take over the light. Without light you cannot see your way and will eventually fall into a 'ditch'. Bottom line, just don't go there.

One of the great things about being single is that you are able to give yourself fully to God without any distractions. 1 Corinthians 7:32-34

Marriage

Where marriage is concerned the words covenant and contract were discussed and compared. Marriage is not a contract but a covenant. A contract has conditions, is limited by time and continuance is dependent on the performance of the other person. The marriage covenant on the other hand is a sacred life long bond which illustrates the love relationship Christ has for the church. It is instituted by God and for God (Matthew 19:6).

 

Sex

Finally on sex, the importance of abstaining from sex outside marriage was emphasised. However for anyone who has made a mistake in the past or is currently living in disobedience to God's word, its not too late to repent and turn to God. He is gracious, He will forgive and will help you out of that situation.

What are your views on the subjects of singleness, marriage and sex?

Clearing it out

So I've been at home this week, doing a few jobs that I have been putting off for ages. One of the tasks has been to get rid of the clutter that I have been carrying around from house to house. As part of my de-clutter mantra for 2011, I have been going through wardrobes, boxes and suitcases in an attempt to get rid of things I no longer need in my life.

Some things have been easy to get rid off. That red top from 2009, haven't worn you in while - bye, bye. Other things have much more sentimental value and I have had to think about the reasons why I want to keep them, evaluate it and then make the decision to cull.

Despite the difficulty in sending things off to a new home, there is great pleasure that comes from doing this exercise:

- space for better things

- restoration of order in my life

- freedom from confusion of having too many choices

In life we often hold onto things because of what they represent. It might be for a good reason, it might be for a bad one. Either way it has passed it's hold by date and we need to let it go. When we do so, we allow something better to fill its place.

Sometimes we hold onto people in the same way.

It's what we know, it makes us comfortable. 

Deep down you know you should show them the door but in reality it is hard.

Let's put it off.

It feels like the easier option.

I have found that it is not until you clear out the junk, letting go of the past and what it represents, letting go of that person and who they represent, do you have space to receive the good that God has in store for you.

God tells us in Isaiah 43:18 to 'forget what happened long ago! Don't think about the past. I am creating something new'.

Have you cleared the way to receive something new in your life today?

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Friends First?

So there are two types of couples:

1. Couples who were friends first and then took it to the next level or

2. Couple who met, liked each other, started 'dating' and became friends

Which option would you prefer?

Either way, there is a common theme...friendship.

Now some of you might think, doesn't that automatically come with marriage? Well no, not necessarily. Yes you like each and decided to commit yourselves as husband and wife, but are you friends? There is a difference.

Afam and I learnt early on in our marriage, that we have to make a conscious effort to build on our friendship daily, otherwise it's very easy to drift apart and do our own thing.  I believe that in successful marriages, the two individuals have to be good friends {as well as lovers}. This is the foundation. 

What does this mean day to day? Well for us it means spending time with each other and effective communication. 

The only way for a friendship to develop is for the individuals to take time to get to know each other. Study each other, know what the other likes, dislikes. Do things together. Do things for each other. Share mutual hobbies and talk! Fundamentally it means involving each other more in the things that are important to you. Letting the other person into your life.

Without it marriage can become a very empty place.

What ways do you think couples can develop their friendships with each other?

p.s. thank you to the bloggers who have nominated me for a 'stylish and versatile blogger' award, I will post my '7 things' on Friday!

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So what are the rules?

Sometimes when I observe couples who are in the early stages of a relationship, it can be frustrating watching some of the things they do {or don’t do}.

Being an outsider, it is easy to take a view because you’re not part of it all. So here are five tips I believe will help things go smoothly when you’re starting out:

1.    Be Respectful. You are dealing with another human being; treat them how you like to be treated. If they call, return their call. If they email/text/DM you (delete as appropriate) respond back. It’s just courteous.

2.    Establish and maintain your principles. Just because someone comes onto the scene, it does not mean that you forget your morals and beliefs. Define and defend what it is you believe in and uphold your boundaries. It prevents problems later!

3.    Gossiping Gossipers. Don’t concern yourself with what other people think. People will talk - that’s what they like to do. If you bother yourself with it or let it influence you, you will end up disappointed, often hurt. If you do want to listen to someone, listen to God. Trust me, you‘ll get much better advice!

4.    Communicate. If you don’t talk, then you don’t know what the other is thinking. When you don’t know what the other is thinking, you assume the worse. Nine times out of ten, the worse case scenario does not happen, but you will have made assumptions about the other person and spent a whole lot of time worrying about it. Talk it out people!

5.    Walk Away. If it gets to a point that you realise that this person is not who God has called you to be with, please be an adult, be honest and let them know {in a polite and respectful way of course}. Then move on. It will be appreciated in the long run.

Do you have any relationship rules you would like to share?

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Reader Question: Sex + Courtship

Making it to the altar without crossing certain lines is the desire of every couple in courtship, but it is not easy. So when the following email came in from Niki I thought it was really important to address the issue.

I would like to know how whilst courting Mr E were you able to fight sexual temptation. Was temptation even there, if yes was it ever discussed between the two of you? What were some of the practical steps you used to fight it? Was the wait worth it? And what advice can you give to those choosing to practise celibacy? Thanks

Niki many thanks for your email.

In answer to your first couple of questions, yes temptation was there and yes with God’s grace we were able to fight it. I’m not saying this in a ‘yes were are so holy’ kind of way but yes in that we acknowledged temptation is very real and we actively took steps to prepare ourselves for it.

temp·ta·tion [temp-tey-shun] –noun

The desire to have or do something that you know you should avoid

We all face temptation but often we don’t do anything to prepare ourselves for it. In courtship you’re in this situation where you’re with the person God has called you to be with, each day you are getting to know them better and you’re falling deeper in love with each other. You are going to get married anyway, so what’s the big deal about having sex before saying ‘I do’, right? Err wrong!

In 2 Chronicles 12:14 we are told about Rehoboam, the king of Judah and the son of Solomon who ‘did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the LORD’. He was not ready for the attack of the enemy and as a result lost the fight. Preparation is key people!

Talk about it

In a relationship it’s important to be practical, acknowledge that there will be temptation and talk about how to handle it. At the very beginning of our courtship my husband and I had a very open and honest discussion about boundaries. What did we feel was right, what was wrong but ultimately what did the Bible say about it all. We agreed the lines and prayed that God would help us not to cross them.

What we set as boundaries for our relationship might be different to someone else but the ultimate aim is the same - no sex before marriage. By doing this it took away any pressure of ‘what-if situations’ and allowed us to focus on the relationship, getting to know each other better and preparing ourselves for what lied ahead.

Remember the triangle and focus on developing the marriage

Keeping God at the centre of your relationship, reading the word together, praying together makes it a lot harder to fall into compromising situations. During our courtship my husband and I prayed and studied the Bible together on a regular basis. We also listened to talks and read various books {see my sidebar} on marriage.

We quickly began to realise that the closer we came to God the more the Holy Spirit strengthened us and gave us the power to overcome sexual temptation. I would encourage you to develop your walk with God first and foremost as an individual and then as a couple.

This brings me onto a very important point. All of this can only happen if you’re in a relationship where both of you uphold the same Christian values. The Bible highlights the importance of not being unequally yoked.

Remain accountable

Having a level of accountability in any relationship really helps. Someone who prays with you, supports you and encourages you throughout the journey. This person needs to be someone who is older, more spiritually mature and is able to ask those questions! We had a really great discipler who ensured that we weren’t getting up to any hanky panky!

I believe that sexual temptation can be overcome if the right steps are taken in good time. Have a plan before it’s too late. Continue to pray and ask God for His grace to help you.

If you’re single the same applies. Have principles that influence the way you live and the decisions you make. Joseph {of Technicolor coat fame} was a young man who refused to comprise his principles by not sleeping with his bosses’ wife even if it meant getting thrown in jail. Don’t waste your single days wondering when it will all happen, but rather focus on developing your walk with God, hang out with your other Christian friends and work on becoming the person God has destined you to be.

Remember…

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)

And YES, the wait is so worth it!

Further Reading…

Why Wait for Sex? Focus on the Family

Marry Sooner Than Later Boundless

Marry for Sex Boundless

Patience and Tolerance

A few months ago my husband and I were visiting a family friend whose parents had just celebrated 60 years of marriage. 60 years!

In the local newspaper the reporter asked the happy couple, what it was that had helped their marriage last this long. Their answer…patience and tolerance.

As part of our couple's devotion we are currently studying 1 Corinthians 13 to help us understand more about what true love is. This week we have been focusing on patience and how we can be more tolerant of each other.

It has definitely been interesting as often we think we are patient people, until it is tested! I am learning to allow my husband to do things at his pace and not when I think he should do them {typically tasks around the home}.

In marriage I have learnt that you definitely require a certain degree of tolerance and patience in order to survive. You go from living a life where you call the shots and you do things at your own pace, to a situation where it's no longer about you and sometimes the other person does things you don’t like or are not used to and you NEED to adjust.

It’s not always easy, but it is definitely needed in order to help your marriage grow.

How are you showing patience and tolerance in your relationships {romantic or otherwise}?

p.s. speaking of patience, you might have noticed I have installed a new commenting system on the blog. Please bare with me as it beds in and let me know your thoughts, via comments of course!

Image {Alakija & Co}

Grass is greener?

 

It’s very easy in marriage to feel like the grass is greener.

It’s very easy to compare.

However nobody sees what goes on behind closed doors.

So be happy and content with what you have.

Cherish every moment.

Appreciate your partner for who they are and water your own garden green. 

{Image - D Sharon Pruitt}

Guest Post: Do Ask, Do Tell - Openness & Communication

This is a guest post from Kemi from ‘Till My Dying Day’. A recent newlywed, here she share her experiences around the importance of communication in relationships.

If there’s anything that I can say has helped myself and my husband navigate this our journey together it would be our commitment to communicate and be open with each other about everything.

Very early on in our relationship, and I mean very early on, Bolaji and I had a chat where somehow we both came up with a term “full disclosure”. I can’t remember for sure now but I think it was my determination to tell him about every single person in my past, the circumstances surrounding each relationship, how it ended, how I feel or still felt about how it ended. Not a lot of men are interested in hearing the sordid past of their new beau but I insisted and told him, well I want you to be the foremost authority on me so that no one out there would be able to tell you anything about me that you didn’t already know and we haven’t already discussed. He agreed and the term full disclosure was born. Full disclosure in our household means that you tell your partner everything about everything, no matter how difficult, how weird, how strange, how uncomfortable it makes you or you think it will make the other person. This applies especially to emotions. Whatever it is you are feeling about anything, it is your duty to share and discuss. This is the attitude we’ve carried along the entirety of our relationship. As long as we can discuss whatever issue, it will never destroy us or hold power over us.

In preparing for my marriage, I bought a lot of marriage self-help books. I wanted to hear and learn from others’ experience and use their knowledge to solidify my own marriage. One of the most useful books that I read during this period was written by Darrell L. Hines and is called “Resolving Conflict in Marriage”.

The book is filled with all kinds of practical insights but two chapters that really spoke to me are called “Talk About It” and “Tell the Truth and Keep No Secrets.” Hines goes on to say:

“If you want to avoid a great deal of conflict in your marriage, don’t hide things from your spouse.

Don’t hide phone numbers from your spouse.

Don’t hide purchases you’ve made that you know took you over budget.

Don’t hide ‘friends’ from your spouse.

Don’t hide your activities from your spouse.

Don’t hide your whereabouts from your spouse.”

He goes on to say…

“For a person to ‘submit’ to another person, trust must be in place. You can’t submit to someone you don’t trust. And you can’t trust a person who is untrue to his or her words or who fails to have integrity when it comes to following through on that word.”

As mentioned earlier part of communicating is also sharing your feelings or emotions about any thing. If your spouse has found the job of his dreams in Wisconsin but you don’t want to move to Wisconsin, don’t hold it in. Share the feelings and talk about it. Work out a plan. If your spouse leaves their clothes on the floor for you to trip over every morning, talk about how that makes you feel. Discuss it in a loving manner and you’ll find that you’re able to find a solution.

Bolaji and I recently had a discussion where I shared my feelings on how difficult I find it sometimes coming home from a long hard day at work and having to start dinner and have dinner ready by the time he comes home. Of course he’s very supportive and understanding about everything but I also shared with him the amount of guilt I feel whenever he doesn’t come home to a nice meal. We talked about it and tried to find a solution for both of us. That was difficult for me personally because I thought he would think, “what kind of wife have I married?” but I’m glad I shared my feelings and let it out so it won’t fester and turn into resentment later on in my marriage. There are simple things too that I just think I don’t have to share that I didn’t actually do that proposal that I was supposed to do. He won’t ask me anyway so I’ll keep it. But then I always remember our vow of full disclosure and share everything. He’ll express his disappointment yes, but also ask me why I didn’t feel like doing it and then we talk about it together.

We have to be careful though whenever we talk about communication as there are right and wrong ways to communicate. I’ve found that it’s better to say how something makes you feel rather than focusing on the circumstances. Usually there’s a feeling behind every issue whether it’s feeling frustrated, unappreciated, anxious, unloved, or whatever. Communicate the feeling.

Being open with each other and sharing every experience and emotion has brought myself and my husband closer together than any other thing has. I enjoy working things out together and truly feel that so long as we share and discuss we can conquer ANY thing. I truly believe that when the devil sees a great union, a great marriage he starts plotting ways to destroy it right from the beginning. The Yoruba have a saying that where there’s no crack in the wall, a lizard cannot crawl into it. Lack of communication, and lack of “full disclosure” is one of the easiest ways for the devil to crawl in and create seeds of discord, distrust, unhappiness, and un-fulfilment.

Darrell Hines writes in his book, “Do ask. Do tell. What you reveal is what can be healed, forgiven, discussed, restored, and improved!”

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Guest Post: Courtship

This is a guest post from Le Dynamique Professeur who is a wonderful blogger friend and encourager. I asked him to write on this topic following his comments to a post Shona wrote a couple of weeks back, asking whether it is still practical in this day and age to “court” someone. Have a read and let me know what you think. 

First I would like to thank Mrs E for this opportunity. It’s a privilege I really appreciate. So, as the topic goes… Courtship and how I (we) have approached it. I guess I will have to tell a short story about me with respect to relationships so you can picture where I am coming from. I am the sort with more female friends than male folks. I perhaps feel comfortable sharing with the female folks than the male ones. I think that is justifiable since I am not gay right *laughs*. On that note, it appears I have this feminine side when it comes to relationships. I give it my entirety; my heart, my soul, my energy, my time - my everything! As you’d probably be guessing, I have been heartbroken a few times; not too many. When I meet a lady and I like her, the first person that often comes to mind to share with is my Dad. Most times, when I tell him about my feelings towards a lady, he is fond of saying, “Samuel, enjoy the friendship”. Sometimes I listen, most times I don’t. Thank God I grew to understand why he always said that to me.

Three years ago, I met my fiancé. A few months into the friendship, my feelings for her had started to develop. As usual, I told Dad about it and he didn’t hesitate to say it again, “Son, enjoy the friendship.” This time, I obeyed. I was enjoying the friendship and the friendship grew till we became close friends. While I had intentions of taking it further, I was waiting upon two things – one, God’s take on it and Dad’s special advice. While the former is what I’d never done before and didn’t know what to expect; the latter seem to me like one of those times I’d gone to Dad for such. I was not expecting him to say anything else than “Son, keep enjoying the friendship”. Amazingly, I heard from God about her and days after, Dad himself called me to confirm it. To cut the long story short, months after, she heard God herself and the relationship began. We really ‘enjoyed the friendship’ and I must say, that helped and is still helping us till date.

Considering the limitation of space, I’d share two main nuggets on courtship, the way we have approached ours.

1. The couple that prays together stays together: one thing we have always done even from the days of ‘enjoying the friendship’ till now is to ensure we have a day in the week to fast and pray. While it could be tough praying on the day we have chosen sometimes, due to the distance that currently separates us; we make sure we fix another time to ensure it is done. In the event we fail to do so, we ask for forgiveness. That’s how serious we take it.

2. We endeavour to share everything and anything: Communication, I believe is critical to the success of any relationship. We never fail to communicate daily – we share even the most trivial of things: from revelations and rhema from our quiet times and church services to lessons from books read in our private times and movies we see and so on. This, I notice creates an atmosphere of openness, where neither of us feels like the other is trying to hide something.

3. We have learnt to forgive as quickly as possible: As you know, in any relationship, misunderstandings are inevitable; however, in our case, one thing God has helped us with is that grace for a quick resolve. We don’t let it slip into the next day. The importance of this, I guess is that, the devil is always looking for a hole to pull couples apart and one of such holes is unsettled quarrels. The earlier misunderstandings are settled, the better for a relationship seeking to prosper.

4. None for one, all for all. Ever since we started our relationship, we took it upon us to ensure our parents are no longer addressed as ‘mine’ or ‘yours’. Her parents have become mine and mine hers. In fact, we refer to them as Daddy & Mummy A for hers and Daddy and Mummy E for mine. Instead of saying, your Dad or my Dad. The same goes for new things we buy, like books for example. It now bears both of our names… even gifts we give to our parents.

I shall stop at these nuggets. I hope you enjoyed reading. God bless you.

Guest Post: Choosing to love

This is a guest post from Shona from Dance with Me. I really enjoyed it, I hope you do too!

Love’s Dimensions: Love as a decision put into action

They were like peas in a pod. When you saw one of them you knew that the other was not far off. Just by watching the way they interacted with each other it was easy for one to see that they were two people who were very much in love and enjoyed their marriage. I am talking about my aunty M and uncle B. Even my mum was impressed by their relationship and shared with us what she had seen when she had visited them at their house and her conclusion was that they were a blessed couple because even when you entered their home you could feel their love enveloping you because they were a couple who walked in love not only for each other but also for others.

I use the past tense because uncle B passed away suddenly a while back and most of my relatives including myself could not help but wonder how aunty M would cope with the loss but cope she did, actually way better than we had expected. In 2007 I got a chance to spend some quality time with her and I could not help but ask her about her relationship with uncle B, I am glad I did. The story she told me is one which inspired me beyond measure.

The initial years of their marriage had not been good ones. She told me how she had been a short tempered person, argumentative and had struggled with trusting and giving her heart to her husband because of past hurts. In contrast to her, uncle B had been a gentle, free spirited person who hated arguments and loved her with a passion. Whenever she tried to draw him into an argument (something she constantly did during those early years) he either laughed or made light of the situation or would gently say to her ‘M darling we can talk about it when you have calmed down’, this would infuriate her even more.

But as time went on because of her mood swings and constant complaining and bickering even he a very patient and loving man was starting to lose his patience. She said that one day she woke up and realized she was losing him and her marriage was becoming something that she did not like. That thought scared her to bits because she knew with no doubt that she was married to a good man and losing his love was something she did not think she could bear. It was then that she made up her mind that she was going to start afresh and do her best to become a better wife and she became one who was on a mission to save her marriage. She admitted that changing was one of the most difficult things to do because it meant putting aside her pride, of which she had tones but she was determined. She began with the small things like paying more attention to her husband, biting her tongue when she felt like blurting out stuff and doing small acts of love for her husband that she never did before and most of all she prayed a lot for strength because she knew on her own she would not be able to make it.

Slowly, she said she witnessed a revival in her marriage, her husband responded to her efforts and after a while though she did not become perfect and still lost her temper here and there, she said she learned to be open up to her husband, share her feelings and apologize when she wronged him. It was a journey she told me, one she was happy she made a decision to take and one she was glad her husband was willing to travel with her. That was how their relationship had blossomed, how they had grown to be best friends, becoming a team in whatever they did and look back they never did.

From Aunty M’s story I picked out some important lessons about love, marriage and relationships that I will never forget namely:-

1. Love is a two way street. No matter how much the other person might love if they feel their love is not returned – death of that relationship is most likely assured. (I can see that Chichi has the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman on her side bar it is an excellent book about learning to express love in a language that one understands. I would go as far as to say this book is a must read to anyone who wants to express love to others effectively).

2. Most likely than not people always respond to love. When they feel loved they usually respond in love.

3. Loving someone is a decision and it does not end there but requires that the decision be put into action. It may not be necessarily easy initially but it can still be done anyway – why? Because it is a choice.

4. When we hear or see couples who have a good relationship even after decades and decades of years of marriage it just did not just happen but it took commitment and lots work. I can liken marriage to a car which requires two full time mechanics in order for it to keep running efficiently.

5. It is not a myth that there are people who have good marriages, who enjoy their marriages hence making it possible for anyone to have such an experience. But then it boils down to how much do you want it and are you willing do what it takes to have it?

Congratulations Chichi and Afam!!!! May God bless you and be your guide as you start a life together. Lots of love and blessings to you.

{Picture source}

Marriage Prep: Ten Biblical Rules for a Happy Marriage

Happy Monday! This is a guest post from Mrs O!

Recently, Mr O and I have stepped up our prayer regime. We used to just open the Bible as and when we felt like it, sometimes it'd be daily, sometimes weekly. This wasn't good enough. Now, we're incorporating more active steps to strengthening our faith. One of these is using the internet for prayer resources and for interpretations of Bible verses that we sometimes find confusing.

We stumbled across this article on CBN and I thought it'd be perfect to share with you all...

Ten Biblical Rules for a Happy Marriage:

1. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Stop criticizing others or it will come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven (Luke 6:37).

2. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process?(Mark 8:36) * I really really believe in this one! *

3. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. And don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26).

4. At least once a day, try to say something complimentary to your spouse. Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).

5. Never meet without an affectionate welcome. Kiss me again and again, your love is sweeter than wine (Song of Solomon 1:2).

6. "For richer or poorer" - rejoice in every moment that God has given you together. A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate (Proverbs 15:17). Actually in my NIV it says 'vegetables versus a fattened calf' - but the meaning is the same...

7. If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate look good, choose your mate. Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help them (Proverbs 3:27).

8. If they're breathing, your mate will eventually offend you. Learn to forgive. I am warning you, if another believer sins, rebuke him; then if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him (Luke 17:3-4).

9. Don't use faith, the Bible, or God as a hammer. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it (John 3:17).

10. Let love be your guidepost. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged (1 Cor. 13:4-5).

 

My favourite is 1 Corinthians 13 - the whole chapter actually. It says so much and has been a great help in our relationship and in our new marriage.

Which Bible verses encourage you to work hard at having happy marriages?

 

Sweet Mother #2

On Monday, Mrs O talked about dealing with your in-laws. It was a great post which talked about the challenges and issues one faces when interacting with your second family.

Mother in Laws…it’s a mixed bag. Some people have great relationships, others don’t. The transition on both sides is an interesting one, but as Mrs O said on Monday’s post - his/her mother, is now your mother too.

I found this great list on Engaged Marriage on 8 great things that come along with a MIL.

1. Your spouse. I’m serious. She was 50% responsible for producing the love of your life.
2. The inside scoop on all your spouse’s high school boyfriends and girlfriends – along with the affirmation that you are way better.
3. The source of all your spouse’s favourite dishes and comfort foods. And she’ll teach you, too!
4. Another point of view from someone who is older, wiser, and has already dealt with any hitches and roadblocks you are facing as a married couple.
5. A perma-babysitter if and when you have kids.
6. An excuse to get your partner to finally clean the kitchen floor: “But honey, your mother is coming!”
7. Insight into why your spouse is the way he or she is. Face it: she’s known that person longer than you.
8. Someone who is constantly concerned if you’ve had enough to eat, are warm enough, and if you had a good night’s sleep. It sounds overwhelming – but it’s actually really nice.

Any more you can think of?

I thank God for Mr E’s mum. She truly is a wonderful women who has welcomed me into the family with open arms and I look forward to developing our relationship as time goes on.

How is the relationship with your MIL? How have you nurtured it?

So you're after my man...

I came across a great post yesterday by NewLife, where she talks about the fact that there is this woman who is after her husband. It made me smile. Not in a sinister way but in a I sure can relate way.

She then went on to talk about how we should pray for our spouses daily, asking God to put a covering over them and protect them. Again I smiled, because I totally agree, although I don’t always do it and I should!

Nothing would give the devil more pleasure than to break up a marriage. Trust me!

This past weekend I was in London and Mr E and I had the privilege to receive marriage counselling/preparation from one of his Uncles who came in specially to the UK to see us. We have both been praying that God would bring us a discipler, someone who can guide us as we enter in marriage and he has definitely been an answer to prayer. We were so blessed.

We talked about everything from family, sex, finances, ministry, friendships. It was so refreshing to have an open and honest discussion as adults, be able to ask questions and nothing was off limits.

One of the things we discussed was how to handle friends of the opposite sex. Forget friends even, just generally people of the opposite sex. One of the worst things that can happen to your marriage is infidelity. Yes the bible calls us to forgive, but it is the biggest breach of trust.

Thinking about cheating we discussed the situations in which a man or a woman would cheat:

For a woman to cheat, the relationship must have been dead for a long time. A man has taken interest in her, complimenting her, listening to her eventually taking the place of her husband.

For a man to cheat, he has found himself in a situation. He is at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Something that started innocently was not nipped in the bud and it has been allowed to develop.

Do you agree?

So how do we protect our marriages {or relationships}, while still forming healthy relationships with the opposite sex? Here are some tips that we learnt.

01. Be clear from the outset. At work I have a photo of Mr E and me on my desk. It a nice photo of the two us together, smiling at the world. While some might feel this looks unprofessional, it serves as a constant reminder to other men, that this girl is not single.

Get a nice picture, preferably a picture with the two of you close together and place it on your desk for all to see. I have always have done. Any man who has any ideas will quickly know that you are taken, even if they are still foolish enough to disregard the fact that you are wearing an engagement ring or are even pregnant!…foolish, foolish boys!

02. Check their motives. Any member of the opposite sex that tries to get close to you, be your friend etc, a good way to test their motives is to constantly bring your spouse into the conversation, all the time. Somebody who genuinely wants to be your friend will not mind this. Someone who doesn't have pure motives on the other hand, will positively detest this. It will make them feel very uncomfortable.

Another thing is to always direct them to your spouse. Men - You get asked to do something, meet for a coffee etc, mention that you would like to bring your wife along. Women – a guy at the office is talking to you a bit to much, keep dropping in the name of your other half. If you’re sent an email, when you reply ‘CC’ in your spouse as well. It’s not always practical but you get the message. They will too!

What this does again, is reinforce the fact you are in a relationship and that it is number one. Any woman or man who is not happy with this, or has an issue with getting to know your significant other, I would seriously question their motives.

03. Keep your friends close. Equally be weary of any person who is overly trying to get close to your other half e.g. a women totally befriending your wife or a man your husband. It could just be their way of trying to lure you into a false sense of security in order to still get close to you.

04. Listen to your woman. Men – if your wife is not comfortable with a particular female, listen to her! Women’s intuition is never wrong and woman often see things in other women, that men do not. After all, what is more important. What you’re wife thinks and feels or a relationship with another woman?

05. Me like. You Like. Ladies – find out what your husband likes. How does he like you to do your hair, what does he like you to wear, what does he like to eat? Ask him and do it. It’s not about changing who you are, it is about recognising that as a wife, it's our responsibility to please our husbands. One sure fire way to protect your marriage is to ensure that he is satisfied at home, this will go a long way.

Likewise, men – find out from your lady what she likes from you too. How does she likes you to look, smell, dress so that she too will find you and only you attractive and be satisfied.

06. Being Open. Friends of the opposite sex are not a bad thing by all means, but they should become ‘our’ friends and any relationship which you feel poses a threat or you don’t feel comfortable talking to your other half about, should make you question the ‘pureness’ of that relationship.

If something happens with a member of the opposite, tell your spouse. I’m not even talking about full on affair. It’s the little things. For example if a guy tries to talk to me in a way that I’m not comfortable with, I will always let Mr E know. Likewise if a girl calls him and she is starting to cross the boundaries, he will let me know. Together we can pray about about it and deal with it. Communicate!

It is when nothing is said that things start to escalate, then you have to start recounting what happened and when, tracing back to the beginning and that can often cause more pain. It is so much easier to kill it before it grows.

Marriage changes friendships but what you will realise is that genuine people will always know the boundaries and respect them.

As NewLife said, we need to keep praying. Praying daily for protection and covering over our relationships {me included}. Pray that the heavenly Father will sabotage all plans and intentions that are not for good and help our relationships to strengthen and grow.

Any other tips for protecting your relationship?

Picture {Source}

6 ways to be influential women in marriage

A while back I read the book 'The Man Whisperer’ by Rick Johnson. A thought provoking book if ever I saw one. It made me realise just how influential we woman can be in our marriages.
Here are 6 areas the book tells us that we can be influential as women in our relationships:

1. Encourage other men in his life
How often than not, do we mix with other couples. We should develop relationships with wives of good men. Iron sharpens iron and we become like the people we surrounded ourselves with.

2. Encourage spiritual leadership
This can be done through prayer, asking him to say grace, asking him spiritual questions, encouraging retreats.

3. Help him to be a better dad
As a wife, you are his greatest asset as a father. Provide him with information about the emotional lives and challenges of your children that he would not be aware of without your support. Also edify him as  a father and leader in the home – this is hugely powerful in garnering the respect of his children. As wives you are an excellent barometer to help him gauge how well he is doing as a father. He needs to know what the needs of his children are and when does something well.

4. Dream with your husband
Ask him about his dreams. Encourage him to discover something he is passionate about. Ask the questions ‘If time and money were no object, what would you want to spend the rest of your life doing?’. Even if he never acts on his dreams, it is important for a man to have them.

5. Watch out for his health
When he is sick, make sure he goes to the doctor. You want him with you for a long time! We all know what men are like with ‘man-flu’, so when he’s sick, nurture him – TLC is a good remedy. Make sure he eats a healthy diet, nutritious food is in his best interest of his long term health.
Make sure he regularly takes scheduled time off work – holidays and time away from work keep him falling into health risk. Remind him that whilst you appreciate his hard work and all the hours he puts in at the office, you want to spend time with him even more.

6. Pray with and for your husband
Pray for his work, that it will be productive and fulfilling to him. Pray for the temptations he will face {lust, stealing, cheating, compromising of principles – it all starts with small steps}
Pray for wisdom and discernment. Wisdom can help your husband in all aspects of his life. The wiser he becomes, the more benefits the family reaps as a whole.
Thanks God for providing you with a good man. Whatever his faults he loves you so much and he would be willing to give his life for you. Be grateful for what you have. 

Pray that God would show me how best to love, nurture and support my husband as part of a team. Lord, bind us together in a strong, satisfying marriage relationship. Amen

Want to Relate..?

OFNC {Overseas fellowship of Nigerian Christians} is an organisation I have grown up with. My parents met there as students. I even met Mr E there at one of the Youth Weekends. Next month {18th –20th June} the 18-30s Group are hosting Relate, a weekend relationship conference.

About the Conference

Life is about relationships; with God, with your spouse, with friends & family, and with work colleagues.

At ‘Relate’ , through a number of seminars and workshops we will be examining these relationships; with the goal of infusing health and strength to our present and future relationships, as God intends.

At Relate we will also praise and magnify the Lord, expressing our thanks and reliance on Him through music and songs.

The weekend will end with the ‘Relate’ ball! A wonderful opportunity to celebrate our relationships, both old and new.

There are some wonderful speakers lined up and the whole weekend costs £135 including accommodation.

For all you UK based readers, Relate is taking place in Buckinghamshire at the lovely De Vere White hotel.

For more info and to book your place please visit the website.

You can also join the OFNC 18-30 Facebook group.

Cheating amongst us

Good Naija Girl wrote a great post On Cheating where there is this assumption that all Nigerian men are cheaters. I vehemently disagree with this statement as does she.

This was my response:

GNG you are not naive at all! 

I agree with a lot of your comments. Cheating for me = relationship over. Period. Yes we may stay together for the kids, but OUR relationship would be dead. It would take A LOT of work and prayer to get the marriage back to what it was. In marriage when you cheat you are also choosing to cheat against God too. Yes one can forgive as the bible calls us to, but trust will be broken forever!

As children of God, we are not infallible, however we have been shown God's blue print for marriage, so we should by His grace have a much higher change of success. But again this does not mean that Christians will not cheat , we are all humans, we all sin and it is sad when it happens. 

I think the majority of good men {and women} realise how much they will lose, should they ever break their marriage covenant and won't ever try it. If you truly love someone, I don't believe you will cheat on them. Besides to go from 0-60, i.e. full blown cheating does not happen instantly, it starts with small steps and its those small steps you need to look out for and protect your marriage against.

e.g. not spending lots of time with members of the opposite sex, not discussing your marriage problems with members of the opposite sex {or anyone for that matter other than your Pastors/counsellors}, don't have a work husband/wife who you share personal things with etc. 

To say all Nigerian men are cheaters is completely rubbish. It's like saying all black people live in the hood and sell drugs. It's totally ridiculous and we should stop saying it. We need to encourage and support our men. Let's speak positively into their lives. 

There are many wonderful relationships which I have witnessed but good marriages do not happen overnight. You need to work at it and work at it daily. 

Keeping the romance alive, spending time with one another, praying together and for each other are all things that will go far in protecting and building your marriage. 

Please join the discussion. What are your views on infidelity?