Understanding The Heart of Your Husband

Recently I have been listening to various podcasts and audio books as a way to utilise the time when I’m cooking or doing chores around the house. It’s a fantastic way to ‘read’ a book or hear a message if you find that you don’t have the time to traditionally sit down and read.

Over the weekend I listed to a message by Dr Emerson Eggerichs called “Love and Respect”. For those of you who haven’t read his book of the same name, it is a must read in understanding the mind and emotions of both males and females and how it can help your marriage to grow and succeed.  Reading the book helped me to understand why my husband is the way he is and how I can relate better with him, which in turn helps him to relate better with me.

The message highlighted the fact that men crave respect and women crave love. This is shown clearly in Ephesians 5:21-33 where women are called to respect their husbands and men to love their wives. God has commanded this from us, because these are not things which come naturally to us. As a woman it is natural for me to show my husband love. To nurture is ingrained within my DNA. Respect on the other hand, well that takes a little more thought and effort, especially in the middle of a fight! The same rings true for a man when it comes to love.

Without love a woman reacts in a way that is disrespectful to a man and without respect, a man reacts in a way that is unloving to a woman and this can continue on and on, slowly destroying a marriage, unless somebody decides to break what Eggerichs calls the Crazy Cycle.

How does Dr Eggerichs describe this craziness?

Craziness is when we keep doing the same thing — again and again — with the same ill effect. Marital craziness is when we do the same thing — over and over — with the same negative results. I call it the Crazy Cycle. When hurt and frustrated, we continue reacting in negative ways to motivate our spouse to be positive. Can you believe it? That's like flipping broken light switches for 30 minutes.

What challenged me in his message was that in order to get off the crazy cycle,  I needed to look beneath all the craziness and see the heart of my husband. My husband is not a Judas but rather a Peter. He is not out to do me evil or cause me harm, but rather love, care and protect me. 

At different points both Judas and Peter let Jesus down, but their hearts were in completely different places and Jesus knew this. Therefore I need to believe that my husband means well and his heart is in the right place. He is human of course which means he won’t always get it right but it is in those times that I need to extend grace, just as the Father does to me and I would want for him to do to me, when I get it wrong.

Shaunti Feldhahn a leading researcher and author asked the following question to men she was interviewing:

What is the one thing you wish your wife knew but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?

The answer? “Just how much I love her”. For me that is such an encouragement to know, because I think sometimes as women we forget this, I know I do.

She continued on to say that men have a lot of goodwill and love towards us but don’t always know how to show it or get it across to us and as wives ”God has given us as women, a whole lot of power in our husbands lives to either build them up or to tear them down” {Proverbs 31: 12 coming back into play once again!)

In marriage just simply remembering this fact will help you move away from typical reactions (disrespect) in a conflict to showing your husband love AND respect, hopefully resolving the situation amicably.

Have you read Love and Respect? What do you think about the Crazy Cycle – does it happen in your relationship?

I am linking up with Jolene over at The Alabaster Jar.

Love Objects

Objects of love and affection. They are various things, projects, people or places that evoke love, admiration, affection and conviction in people. It is these things that create excitement in their hearts. It is what develops their interests and their appetite. It is what they secretly desire to be or have. It is what consumes much of their time and attention.

It is the idol of the heart.

But once you touch this object of their love, you have touched them at a soft spot. If you attack that thing, they themselves become violently defensive: if you are a fan to that thing, you immediately woo them over.

Friendships are easily struck with those who hold that thing as their own love as well.

The above excerpt is taken from the book No More Two – God’s Principles for Marriage by Gbile Akanni. We are currently studying it as part of our couples time and have found it to be a real blessing to our marriage. Ironically both of us had read the book before we got married and now reading it again we are discovering things we didn’t see the first time round.

We are presently reading the chapter on the joining of mind and soul and Uncle Gbile says that in order to be successful in this area, we (husband and wife) need to know what our spouse love objects are. This is important because this is the thing which excites your spouse and where they will spend a fair amount of time.

For example, my husband loves watching football, I love to blog. In themselves they are separate activities, things we did before we got married and things we still enjoy. When we got married we had to learn to embrace each others love object, so that these activities could be part of each other’s world.

How is this done practically?

Well every now and then I will sit and watch a game with him. I also swear allegiance to the same football team and follow their ups and downs throughout the season. But sometimes I will let him watch a game and do something else and then catch up with afterwards, enquiring about what happened.

For me, my husband sometimes reads my blog posts before I hit the publish button and gives me his view. He also reads a lot of your comments and helps me when I draft responses to reader emails. This doesn’t happen all the time but he has a window into my world, as I to his.

Ultimately for our souls to join we need to find things we love together, so that we can spend quality time as a couple.

Clearly there are times when a person does not acknowledge the love object of their spouse and this could potentially lead the spouse to find someone who DOES share that same love object (but that is another post entirely).

Ultimately our primary love object is GOD and as Christians we are called to set our affections on things above and not things on the earth. By doing so this will drive the activities and pursuits that are of interest to you both of you.

Have you identified the love objects of your spouse?

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Happy Birthday to my one and only

Today is my dear husband’s birthday…

How time flies my love…

I don’t tell you enough but I admire you so much. You are a good man, who loves God, loves his family and works hard to ensure that we are taken care of. I thank God for your life and I am honoured to be called your wife. You make my life richer with each passing day and I love you so much. Our daughter will be blessed to have you as her daddy!

May God continue to upload you, bless you with good health and grant you wisdom as you lead our family.

May he also grant you the desires of your heart. 

We love you now and always…x

Irreconcilable differences

That’s the reason Kim Kardashian has quoted on her divorce papers, 72 days after getting married.

While this news is not surprising it is still a sad situation. Any marriage that breaks down is sad news but this is a classic example of the way the world views marriage, ‘If it doesn’t work out, just walk away’.

The truth is marriage is a lifetime of reconcilable differences, you are two people coming together to become one. This life long process requires less of ‘I’ and more of ‘us’ and is hard work but has great reward. 

Whatever the reasons behind the breakdown of this union, I hope one day Kim is able to understand the true meaning of what marriage is all about.

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Survival Tips for the First Year

The first year of marriage can be one of the most challenging and there are few things we have identified some survival tips to help you through. It’s not a definitive list, but they are things which have and continue to help us.

1. Keep God at the center. of your marriage. Pray together, but also ensure your own personal relationship with God is intact.

2. Communicate about anything and everything. Make time to talk to each about your marriage, what is working, what is not. Talk about your future, your hopes, dreams and desires. Nothing is too insignificant.

3. Build intimacy. This is not just about sex but about oneness and togetherness. It also does not end at the altar but is something that is worked out throughout your marriage. You need to invest the time.

4. Expectations… Don’t be surprised if they are not met. Even the most basic of expectations you might have, may not get met initially and you need to be prepared for that. Discuss with your spouse at the beginning of marriage what expectations you both have about marriage. Agree to compromise or accept things as they are. This is a great video on expectations.

5. Be ready (and expect) to face challenges. Face them together.

6. Conflict will happen, fact. You are two different people, with two viewpoints and perspectives. The key is to listen to each other and learn to resolve it in a way where both sides feel heard. Agree together the way forward.

7. Don’t try and change your spouse. Be the change and most often they will follow. Not always, but most times.

8. It’s not about you. Spend time focusing on your spouse and how you can bless/serve them. Pray for them daily.

9. Protect your new family from outsiders. People mean well, your family may mean well, but when push comes to shove, it’s the two of you who have to live your life together.

10. When the going gets tough, remember why you married each other and the foundation of your love!

Do you have any other tips for surviving the first year?

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Finding our Groove

I think now after one year of marriage, we have found our groove. We know what works and what doesn’t.

I have his favourite meals perfected (well almost all of them – if anyone has any good fish pepper soup recipes – holla at your girl), my housekeeping routine in place and know which bills to pay when. He’s got his things down too.

We’ve mastered the rules, have our routines down and are now just living life. It hasn’t been argument free, but we have got there.  We no longer feel like newlyweds but an established married couple and it’s nice.

We went to a wedding last weekend and as we watched the bride and groom, there was this whimsical feeling of wish it was us again, but then I thought, actually no, I’m glad we’re not there again, we have moved on, we’ve evolved.

If I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently this past year? Maybe, but then it wouldn’t be life and God uses our life experiences to help us grow and mature. Learning to communicate more and become more selfless. Life long lessons, from which you never graduate.

I took a break from the blog because I needed to spend more time with my husband. With work and other pressures it can be so easy to become two ships sailing in the night and so I had to be deliberate in my actions and take a step back.

So thanks for your patience, the last three months off have been great. In that time we reconnected, made a baby (lol!) and rediscovered why we got married.

Yes we found our groove.

p.s. Just found out the blog has been nominated for a Nigerian Blog Award! Thank you to those of you who nominated the blog. Voting has opened and if you feel so inclined, please hop over and vote for us in the Wedding Blog Category.

Celebrating ONE!

Today we celebrate our first wedding anniversary!

365 days of oneness

365 days of growth

365 days of grace

365 days of love

We’ve moved cities, changed jobs, moved house and changed church and while we have had ups and downs, through it all we have had each other.

Marriage is hard work, I won’t lie, but it is also very beautiful. A wonderful partnership ordained by God.

Afam thank you for sharing this journey with me, I love you so much and can’t wait to see what the future holds.

p.s. I’m back to blogging and have LOTS to update you on. HINT: watch the video!

Five things that will destroy your marriage

One of the great things about the internet is that it provides an international church community.

I might not be able to fly across to Charlotte, NC to hear Steve Furtick at Elevation Church or visit Green Bay, WI to see Mark Gungor at Celebration Church but through the power of technology I can watch or listen to their sermons whenever or wherever I like.

Recently I stumbled across Pete Wilson from Cross Point Church, Nashville. They are currently doing a series called ‘5 Things’, where they are looking at five things which will destroy your marriage. They have labelled  the series “An essential guide for those who are married and a cheat sheet for those who are single.”

The five things they have highlighted that will destroy your marriage {in order of the series} are:

- Leftovers

- Expectations

- Leaving God out

- Failing to forgive

- Withheld truth

One thing that stuck out for me in his first teaching on Leftovers (i.e. given your spouse what’s leftover} is that it is “so easy to fall in love, but we’re dangerously ill-equipped to stay in love”.

I love a quote by J.John, which says

‘if there was more courting in marriage, there would be less marriage in court’

If you were rating your marriage today out of 10, what would you give it?

Often it can be so easy to settle for 6/10 marriage because things are ‘fine’, you’re not fighting etc. We should always be striving for 10/10. We need to make a conscious effort to put the love and romance back into our marriages and not to be complacent about it.

Also as a reminder he said that…

Marriage is not a strategy for wholeness.

Marriage is not a cure for loneliness

Marriage is not an escape from boredom

The whole series is addressed to both single and married people and is available online for you to watch or listen. I am following and have been blessed. If you get the opportunity, hope over and have a listen.

In the meantime, here is a fun video Pete made with his wife Brandi about ‘expectations’.

See if you can relate!

Expectations // Illustration from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

Feel free to share your expectations of marriage in comments!

The real job description

I’ve just finished reading a fantastic book called Feminine Appeal: 7 Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother by Caroline Mahaney and it got me thinking about marriage and God’s purpose for wives.

The book is based on Titus 2 and the seven virtues that women should possess. Which are to…

‘love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands’ (Titus 2: 4-5)

A job description if you may.

The Contemporary English Version says:

Each of the younger women must be sensible and kind, as well as a good homemaker, who puts her own husband first. {emphasis mine}

Many times I know what is right but don’t quite want to admit it and this book really challenged me about my attitude to certain aspects of my role as a wife. The two things that stuck out for me were ‘good homemaker’ {the bible actually affirms our responsibilities in our homes} and ‘puts her own husband first’. After God, my husband is my number one responsibility and priority.

As a wife there is this constant desire for perfection; house in order, dinner on the table, laundry all complete, always submissive but the honest truth is that I’m not there yet. I am very much a work in progress.

However, everyday I pray for grace.

Grace to always respectfully submit.

Grace to accept situations and react appropriately.

Grace to say ‘no’ and maintain the right priorities.

Grace to admit when I am wrong, humble myself and apologise.

She is strong and graceful, as well as cheerful about the future. Her words are sensible, and her advice is thoughtful.

She takes good care of her family and is never lazy.

Her children praise her, and with great pride her husband says, "There are many good women, but you are the best!" {Proverbs 31: 25-28}

Grace to ultimately allow God to refine me into the woman He wants me to become.

That is my heart.

Love, giveaways and getting ready for marriage

Hi folks!

Just pop on today to say a big thank you to Myne Whitman who also featured our love story this week on her blog. It is slightly different to the one on AfroElle as I focus more on our marriage now and what it means to me. So feel free to have a read.

In other news, next week is two years for the blog (can you believe it!) and I will be hosting my first ever giveaway (yay!). If you’re about making your house a home – look out for it!

I will also be starting a new series about preparing for marriage which focuses on getting ready in six key areas:

Personality

Lifestyle

Social

Past relationships

Family

Career

If you’re single and are seeking God for a spouse, this series is for you. If you're in a relationship, on your road to marriage, this is for you also!

Finally, my best friend SB has launched her own blog as she documents her journey of weight loss. She would welcome your support and encouragement, so pop over and say hello.

See you Monday!

Seesaw

Up and down. Up and down.

Marriage is a bit like a seesaw.

In our marriage we have days when it’s simply heaven on earth. The love, companionship, support and friendship. The inside jokes, Saturday morning pancakes and snuggling up to the Neighbours omnibus {yes we love our Australian soaps}. I truly cherish it and appreciate marriage for what it is. Marriage is good.

And then there are days when there are arguments and differences and you wonder to yourself, who is this person?

Like a seesaw it takes two to make it work. A seesaw with just one person contributing isn't fun at all. Neither is marriage. Both of us need to fully participate to enjoy the ride.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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Friends First?

So there are two types of couples:

1. Couples who were friends first and then took it to the next level or

2. Couple who met, liked each other, started 'dating' and became friends

Which option would you prefer?

Either way, there is a common theme...friendship.

Now some of you might think, doesn't that automatically come with marriage? Well no, not necessarily. Yes you like each and decided to commit yourselves as husband and wife, but are you friends? There is a difference.

Afam and I learnt early on in our marriage, that we have to make a conscious effort to build on our friendship daily, otherwise it's very easy to drift apart and do our own thing.  I believe that in successful marriages, the two individuals have to be good friends {as well as lovers}. This is the foundation. 

What does this mean day to day? Well for us it means spending time with each other and effective communication. 

The only way for a friendship to develop is for the individuals to take time to get to know each other. Study each other, know what the other likes, dislikes. Do things together. Do things for each other. Share mutual hobbies and talk! Fundamentally it means involving each other more in the things that are important to you. Letting the other person into your life.

Without it marriage can become a very empty place.

What ways do you think couples can develop their friendships with each other?

p.s. thank you to the bloggers who have nominated me for a 'stylish and versatile blogger' award, I will post my '7 things' on Friday!

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Su Casa, Mi Casa – Hospitality 101

Entertaining says, “I want to impress you with my beautiful home, my clever decorating and my gourmet cooking.”  Hospitality says, “This is not mine.  It is a gift from God, and I’ll use it as he desires.” Still Living By Faith by Annie May Lewis

I love this quote as it reminds me about the true meaning of hospitality. I often find myself worrying about insignificant things and it can end up making the situation stressful rather than a peaceful privilege.

Getting ready

If you can, try and declutter the area where you guest will be staying. Our guest room also doubles up as our storage room, so we had to do a major clear out before guests started saying over.

Bedroom/Bathroom Basics

• Clean fresh linen is a must
• Side table with a lamp if you can
• A fresh towel
• Somewhere for them to hang or fold their clothes
• Essential toiletries {e.g. toothpaste, soap} TIP: Save hotel leftovers, the miniatures are great for this
• Supply of toilet roll {there is nothing worse than being a guest in someone house and a)not having any toilet roll and b)not knowing where to find any}

Meal times

If your guest is staying for an extended period, attempt to find out what they like to eat, so that you can make sure you have it available for them. My mum loves coffee, Afam and I don’t drink it, but we always make sure we have some around for when she stops by.

Breathe

Relax, it can be nerve wracking having someone in your home but they’re not coming to see how posh your house is, they are coming to see you!  If something finishes unexpectedly or something breaks and gets damaged, try to not let it take over your world. Things happen!

Finally don’t apologise (or complain) about things that you think are lacking. I constantly did this and in the end Afam made me realise that our guests are going to have a good time regardless of whether we have cushions on the sofa or a rug on the floor. As long as they are comfortable, that is what matters.

Hospitality isn't just for married folk either, anyone can open up their home.

You just need a willing heart!

Some verses to encourage you:

1 Peter 4:9 - Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.

Ephesians 6:7 - Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people.

Romans 12:13 - Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Do you have any more hospitality tips?

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Getting crafty at home

Back in August I signed up for an online sewing course called 'Home Ec’. Basically for $60, three ladies hosted an interactive site to teach you how to sew. The site is live for one year and there are loads of tutorials from curtains to cushions, bags to dresses.

After seeing the talent displayed by Joy with my wedding bolero and the skills possessed by Obi who made my bridesmaid dresses, I became hooked. Imagine if I could make my own items!

I've always admired people who have creative skills especially those who can sew. Maggie Whitely over at Gussy Sews, taught herself how to sew and now has a thriving business. Jessica over at From Marriage to Motherhood, designed cute head wear for her daughter and now sells her designs in her Etsy store.

I remember watching my mother sew when I was younger. She had this old Singer machine which she would use to knock together outfits. Sometimes she would let me use it, testing my hand-foot coordination on scraps of material. Memories!

The Proverbs 31 women was a crafty lady..

She spins her own cloth, and she helps the
poor and the needy.
Her family has warm clothing and so she
doesn't worry when it snows.
She does her own sewing and
everything she wears is beautiful.

My goal is to be able to move from doing simple alternations with a needle and thread to sewing my own clothes and soft furnishings for our home {e.g. curtains and cushions} as well as being able to make outfits for our children when they come along.

Are you crafty? Do you sew? Any recommendations for a good sewing machine?

Learning To Love My Kitchen

My mum came to visit us the weekend and it was wonderful.

I haven't spent time with my mum properly in a long time and it was nice to talk and catch up. She gave myself and Mr E lots of great advice about marriage, communication and dealing with conflict and we were so blessed to have her with us.

On Saturday we spent a bit of time in the kitchen where she showed my how to make moin moin and ogbono soup! She also talked me through other meals and preparation of meat and fish {which freaks me out!}. We have been eating very since she left!

I'm pleased to be able to add two more dishes {actually make that three if you include the Suya I made last weekend} to my list of meals I can cook. It's funny because if I met up with the Chichi of 18 months ago, she certainly wouldn't be loving the kitchen as much as I do now. I especially love baking and managed to also squeeze out a cake on Saturday as well.

 

 

Yummy Suya!

I have noticed my relationship with my kitchen has grown a lot over the past few months. I'm always on the look out for good recipes whether in magazines or online so I can add variety to our meal times and I genuinely enjoy cooking.

Kemi posted a fantastic recipe for Jamaican Curry Goat which I will be trying out very soon and I had this Potato Gratin at my friend Moyo's house and it was AMAZING.

Where do you find your recipes from and do you enjoy spending time in the kitchen?

Friendships and Marriage...A Follow Up

One of my readers, Ebony left an interesting comment last week in response to my post on 'Friendship and Marriage' and rather than respond back in comments, I thought it would be good to share my response with you all.

******************

Firstly Ebony thank you for your comment and for referring me back to an excellent Boundless article. I completely agree with Suzanne and Melissa's points and believe that married and single women should interact.

The angle of my post, {which may not have come across as effectively as I would have liked}, is that I have realised that relationship dynamics have changed since entering this new chapter of life. I love my friends, all of whom are at different life stages to me and it is those differences which should be celebrated.

Since getting married many things have changed for me and with wisdom, I am learning how to juggle them all. What it definitely doesn't mean is that my friendships are no longer important or valid, rather that I need to discern how best to 'manage' them going forward. I too want to know how best to relate and encourage my single friends as Suzanne also states.

I firmly believe that people do not become friends due to status but more for the fact that they click, share similar interests/values and get along. This should not change after marriage, if it is a true friendship and the Bible actively encourages the younger women to learn from the older ones {Titus 2}. This can be taken literally but also figuratively.

We should share experiences and share perspectives, as this not only enriches our lives but provides depth to our relationships.

I hope this response gives you better insight into my heart and where I was coming from.

Every blessing.

The Importance of the Honeymoon

So I'll let you in on a little secret...we haven't had our honeymoon yet.

Yes we went to Nigeria after the wedding but it wasn't really a honeymoon in the true sense of the word. We had a fantastic trip visiting family and friends and it was a wonderful experience for me to go back to the Homeland after such a long time but it was HECTIC! We didn't really get any alone time together and when we got back to the UK we felt even more exhausted than when we left!

After our wedding we barely had three days together before my husband had to return to work and those three days were spent running around sorting out post wedding tasks. We also still had family and guests from out of town still about and we both felt that we needed to make the effort to see and spend time with them. So this little wedding perk had to be postponed. I won't lie, it was disappointing and very frustrating.

I wanted to be with my new husband, spend time with him. I missed him. I wanted to wind down from the wedding madness...together. I wanted to catch my thoughts and reminisce...together. Alas it wasn't meant to be but hey, such is life and I've gotten over it now.

Recently we have been talking about how when life gets busy you need to take that time out to re-focus on the relationship, to re-connect. Life has been really busy as of late and the thought of taking some sort of honeymoon really appeals.

We have been talking about getting away, trying to figure out where to go and for how long because on reflection we realise that quality time together is so important to your marriage. Whether you start to take it just after the wedding or in the months ahead, your marriage will always see the benefits.

Honeymoons {or mini-moons as my friend Mel calls hers} can be taken any time and are vital because...

1. You get some quality time together, away from family, friends, work, internet, phones and life.

2. You have an opportunity to recharge your batteries physically, emotionally and spiritually.

3. You get a chance to reflect on the amazing thing that happened. You. Got. Married !!!

4. You can put your feet up and literally not have to worry about the routines of life {can anyone say 'room service'!}.

If you're like us and haven't had your honeymoon yet, please try and make the effort to have that time away. {We're certainly making steps to do so}. It's not about having a flash, expensive holiday but about committing to spending some quality alone time together. If you have children, I believe this applies even more so and would definitely be the time to call in those babysitting favours!

What other benefits are there of taking a honeymoon?

Four

So its been four months of marriage and here is what have I learnt so far...

1. Appreciation. I love my husband dearly and need to ensure I appreciate him for who is and what he does. Not all men are the same. The fact he takes care of me, is kind and loving and most of all loves and respects the Lord, taking his responsibilities as a husband very seriously is not something to be taken lightly.

2. Housework does not have to be done on a Saturday. Whereas cooking on a Saturday really helps me out in the week.

3. Priorities. My husband and my home are more important than my career. I enjoy doing what I do, but I get more joy from taking care of my husband and making sure he is content and fulfilled. I am his ‘helper’ and daily ask God for grace to help me fulfil this role and be a good wife to him.

4. Sometimes it is just better to walk away (from conflict that it, not the marriage!)

5. Every relationship needs boundaries. Lines you agree that you will never cross in order to protect your marriage and relationship with one another.

6. Sometimes you don't need loads of marriage books and websites to guide you in marriage. Just by turning to God's word, you can gather such wisdom. Proverbs is an especially good book to read.

7. It's good to be thankful for marriage. He who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Likewise I believe she who finds a husband finds an equally good thing AND obtains favour from the Lord.

Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage!

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Happy Monday!

Hope you all had a good weekend! Mine was very restful, which was just what the doctor ordered!

Coming up to 4 months of marriage, I am learning a lot about what makes a marriage successful. Kinda do's and don'ts to make our marriage the best it can be.

Here are ten principles of success that I found over the weekend.

1. Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away.
2. Couples discover the value in just showing up. When things get tough and couples don't know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse. Time has a way of helping couples work things out by providing opportunities to reduce stress and overcome challenges.
3. If you do what you always do, you will get same result. Wise couples have learned that you have to approach problems differently to get different results. Often, minor changes in approach, attitude and actions make the biggest difference in marriage.
4. Your attitude does matter. Changing behavior is important, but so is changing attitudes. Bad attitudes often drive bad feelings and actions.
5. Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse affects how they perceive the other. What they expect and how they treat their spouse matters greatly.
6. The grass is greenest where you water it. Successful couples have learned to resist the grass is greener myth – i.e. someone else will make me happy. They have learned to put their energy into making themselves and their marriage better.
7. You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope – almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves.
8. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Everyday life wears away the "feel good side of marriage." Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple's vows of commitment: "For better or for worse" – when it feels good and when it doesn't.
9. Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Successful couples have learned to resist holding grudges, bringing up the past and remembering that they married an imperfect person – and so did their spouse.
10. A crisis doesn't mean the marriage is over. Crises are like storms: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving. A crisis can be a new beginning. It's out of pain that great people and marriages are produced.

Kindly reproduced from Focus on the Family

Do you have any more to add?

Patience and Tolerance

A few months ago my husband and I were visiting a family friend whose parents had just celebrated 60 years of marriage. 60 years!

In the local newspaper the reporter asked the happy couple, what it was that had helped their marriage last this long. Their answer…patience and tolerance.

As part of our couple's devotion we are currently studying 1 Corinthians 13 to help us understand more about what true love is. This week we have been focusing on patience and how we can be more tolerant of each other.

It has definitely been interesting as often we think we are patient people, until it is tested! I am learning to allow my husband to do things at his pace and not when I think he should do them {typically tasks around the home}.

In marriage I have learnt that you definitely require a certain degree of tolerance and patience in order to survive. You go from living a life where you call the shots and you do things at your own pace, to a situation where it's no longer about you and sometimes the other person does things you don’t like or are not used to and you NEED to adjust.

It’s not always easy, but it is definitely needed in order to help your marriage grow.

How are you showing patience and tolerance in your relationships {romantic or otherwise}?

p.s. speaking of patience, you might have noticed I have installed a new commenting system on the blog. Please bare with me as it beds in and let me know your thoughts, via comments of course!

Image {Alakija & Co}