I will wait for you

I was sent this YouTube video link by a dear reader (thank you Oma).

I was blessed.

For you ladies waiting on God and waiting for your ‘One’, please watch this video and be blessed also.

Have a great week!

Potential - A follow Up

Last week's post on Potential raised a number of comments and debate both here on the blog and on Facebook. Rather than write individual responses, I thought it would be better to do a follow up post.

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Essentially what it comes down to is 'what do you want in a husband'?

This could be based on material qualifications , life goals and/or character.

We all want different things in life and look out for various qualities in the man that we want to marry. What you need to determine is whether those qualities are already evident in his life. Sometimes these qualities may just be at the seed stage, which means they have not yet blossomed but glimpses of it are beginning to spring forth.

Maybe he is not yet the President of the USA but he's a cell leader at church, demonstrating leadership skills. Maybe he's not the CEO of a fortune 500 company but he is diligently running his own small business which is successful and shows that he has vision and can be consistent with something.

Just like in a job interview where they ask you to give examples of particular competencies i.e leadership, teamwork, problem solver in order to establish whether you have the potential to develop those skills in the role that they are offering, whatever the scenario you need to be able to identify those seeds of potential.

Luke 16:10 reminds us "If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won't be honest with greater responsibilities.'

It is good to have standards but not to the point where you let really great guys pass you by because you're not willing to invest the time to grow with him.

Potential vs Liability
Potential and liability may look the same on paper but they are clearly distinct.

Potential = positive risk

Liability = negative risk

Yes Barrack had no job and his car had a hole, but he was also a Harvard Law graduate with a plan and pretty clear goals, something Michelle obviously saw and admired.

When I met Afam he was a masters student, I was a manager in my place of work. Yes we were on different rungs on the ladder, but similar to what Buky said in her comment, after sitting down and discussing with him, it was clear that he was a very focused man who knew where he was going in life. He had evidence to support his words and also demonstrated the traits of what I was looking for in a husband. Today he is well on his way to realising his potential.

Here are some questions to ask yourself...

1. What vision does he have for his life and what steps is he taking to get there?

2. As actions speak louder than words, what 'fruits' is he exhibiting in his life?

3. What are the opinions of those around him? Who are his friends? As Christiana wrote in a very similar post, our closest friends are usually one of two things a) A reflection of who we are, b) An indication of what we will be

4. How does he treat those around him?

Like I said a lot of what you observe will depend on what you're looking for but if you start to see any red flags do not dismiss them.

Potential and Character
The search for a mate has its own checks and balances and there are things, which if identified should not be ignored. The character of your future husband is fundamental in knowing his potential.

Traits in a man such as womanising, abuse or addiction (drink, drugs, porn) should not be overlooked. That is not what I mean by potential. Such a man is not ready to be a husband and it doesn't matter how much so called potential you think he has in other areas.

A story on potential
Here in the UK you would have seen the sports headlines a few weeks ago where Liverpool Football Club purchased Andy Carroll for £35 million. Now Carrol is no Rooney or even a Torres. He is not yet established or well known in the International Leagues. He is merely a rising star in the Premiership. So why that much money?

Because Liverpool saw in him, a 22 year old with great promise to become a Rooney or Torres, coupled with many more years of football, left in him. They recognised his potential and were prepared to pay the money. A risk? Maybe. But the reward would be worth it. That is how potential is. It is so glaring that you are prepared to pay a price to see it realised.

Potential = Faith
Ultimately in all of this, it all comes down to faith. Nothing in life is certain. Each day we make decisions and take steps based on the information in front of us at that moment in time, something I know too well.

Through prayer, we ask God to give us wisdom and then allow Him to have His way. The same goes for choosing your future spouse.

Yes there are risks involved but God gives us the grace to handle each situation he presents before us and he also guides us to make the right choices.

Remember that faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. {Hebrews 11:1}

Now that is what potential is all about.

Potential

 

She’s a 4th Year attorney at a very prestigious Chicago law firm, who’s doing really well.

She’s on her way to becoming partner.

A guy wants to date her, who just got out of school, didn’t have a job, had a car with a hole in it. Had no money.

But she is a very successful lawyer and she’s even practicing in her home town. He’s not even from the town, he doesn’t know anybody.

She saw potential in him. In fact she saw it so much that when they got married, she was the primary bread winner in the family for the first 10, maybe more years.

Potential.

Now he’s the President of the United States and she’s the first Lady.

If you were in Michelle’s position, how would you have responded?

Would you have:

a) Looked at his status, lack of money, lack of job and possessions, kissed your teeth and told him off for even thinking he could talk to you.

or

b) Look beyond his current situation and see the potential standing before you.

If you answered a – you join the growing group of young women today who base their relationships on the current status of a man and not where he could be in the future. It’s a sad situation because you may be rejecting a man that God has chosen for you by basing your judgements on outwardly appearances alone.

Great men do not appear overnight. They are moulded, developed and grown as God sows into their lives. Through your encouragement, prayer, support and love, an ordinary man can become an extraordinary man.

If you speak to most men who are searching for a wife, they will tell you that at this crucial stage of their lives, they are searching and need a woman who will believe in them. As a woman you have the power to influence a man’s life positively or negatively. Which one will you choose?

Similarly comparing a man to your father or another male figure in your life, can be equally as dangerous. Those men as wonderful as they are did not start out that way and like a fine wine took time to reach the quality they are at now. By making comparisons it prevents you from appreciating what you have before you.

Zechariah 4:10 tells us not to despise the days of small beginnings.

Do you appreciate the potential in people or do you judge based on what you ‘see’?

{This post kicks off our Ready for Marriage series, where every Monday I will be talking through different topics to help you as you prepare yourself for the one God has for you.}

Image {Source}

So what are the rules?

Sometimes when I observe couples who are in the early stages of a relationship, it can be frustrating watching some of the things they do {or don’t do}.

Being an outsider, it is easy to take a view because you’re not part of it all. So here are five tips I believe will help things go smoothly when you’re starting out:

1.    Be Respectful. You are dealing with another human being; treat them how you like to be treated. If they call, return their call. If they email/text/DM you (delete as appropriate) respond back. It’s just courteous.

2.    Establish and maintain your principles. Just because someone comes onto the scene, it does not mean that you forget your morals and beliefs. Define and defend what it is you believe in and uphold your boundaries. It prevents problems later!

3.    Gossiping Gossipers. Don’t concern yourself with what other people think. People will talk - that’s what they like to do. If you bother yourself with it or let it influence you, you will end up disappointed, often hurt. If you do want to listen to someone, listen to God. Trust me, you‘ll get much better advice!

4.    Communicate. If you don’t talk, then you don’t know what the other is thinking. When you don’t know what the other is thinking, you assume the worse. Nine times out of ten, the worse case scenario does not happen, but you will have made assumptions about the other person and spent a whole lot of time worrying about it. Talk it out people!

5.    Walk Away. If it gets to a point that you realise that this person is not who God has called you to be with, please be an adult, be honest and let them know {in a polite and respectful way of course}. Then move on. It will be appreciated in the long run.

Do you have any relationship rules you would like to share?

Picture {Source}

Guest Post: Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? A review.

This guest post is from Good Naija Girl who currently resides in the Canada and has been working very hard with the Nigerian Blog awards. A woman of many talents she also has a further blog All my singles ladies. Check them out!

I can’t remember where I first heard of the book Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God With A Hope Deferred, but from the title and from reading what the book was about, it was apparent that I, then a 30 year old, single Christian woman, would benefit from it. I bought the book several months ago, and it sat collecting dust as I bought and read another book on relationships, one with a catchier title, written for a secular audience, which was a lot easier to read (as is often the case for me with secular versus Christian books).

I’m glad that Chichi’s invitation to guest blog stirred me to read this book and I’m here to share my first impressions after just finishing it.

When I told people I was reading this book, some mentioned that those sounded like good books to read. But no, that long title is for one book! Some also made an immediate connection to Joshua Harris’s book I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I haven’t read), and it turns out that Harris was the one who gave author Carolyn McCulley the title for her book, and he wrote the forward for Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?

One thing that was interesting to me is the fact that Carolyn McCulley wrote this book from experience: although she’s now 46, she was 40 years old when she wrote the book. She’s a Christian woman who is very active in her church and countless other Christian ministries. And she is a single woman. It was important to me to read a book from the perspective of a woman who was still experiencing what she was writing about at the time she wrote the book (and beyond, as it would appear), because it lends an authenticity to instances where she says that she knows how you, the reader, feels.

Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? is divided into three parts: Surveying Singleness, Finding a Guide for Relationships in the Proverbs 31 Woman, and Finding a Guide for Daily Life in the Proverbs 31 Woman. Not surprisingly, Proverbs 31 is the key reference of this book. Most Christian women preparing for marriage know Proverbs 31 well, and many churches prescribe it as essential reading for women planning to marry one day. My introduction to the Proverbs 31 woman is recent (only in the last few years), and I’d hardly say I’ve really studied it. I’ve read it several times and concluded that I am not ready for marriage (even though I would like to be married soon), but that is not going to change matters, is it? I need to read the words and really meditate over them, and see how I can apply them to my current life and the future I desire. Reading this book is a first step that allows the reader to do just that.

To be honest, there is too much to say on the book, so I’ll have to focus on what I learned and found encouraging, and I'll share some difficult parts too.

I learned that:

1. Singleness is a gift, just as marriage is a gift

   If you’ve been single as long as I have, it might be hard for you to consistently think of singleness as a gift (and there’s a passage early in the book about singleness being a gift you don’t recall asking for that will make you laugh). You may have married friends who have told you that you’re “so lucky” that you’re single and you can do what you want when you want. When you’re trying to leave the single life behind, these words provide little comfort.

   But if you believe that God only gives good gifts, and that God’s measuring stick for what makes a gift good or bad is not the same as a human measuring stick, you will open yourself up to seeing how your singleness is a blessing and how much you can bless others while single (and this book will help you realize both of those goals).

2. Our time on earth is fleeting, and our concern should be on eternal things

   This was encouraging but also difficult. We all know that this world is fleeting and we should be preparing for eternity in heaven, but it’s so easy to get caught up in earthly matters and events, and for women who have dreamed all their lives of being married and having kids, it is very eye-opening to be reminded that the things of this world will not last! Our time fretting over our single status would be better spent doing God’s work here on earth, preparing for eternal future, rather than wondering whether marriage is part of God’s divine plan for us. There are countless ways that we can use some of the advantages of being single to bless others around us (and there are so many in need of this blessing), and the book shares many of these with the reader.

3. Single women are called to be Proverbs 31 women

   If like me you’ve been thinking that you have at least your dating life (prior to marriage) to become the Proverbs 31 woman, this book will jolt you from that “I have time!” mentality. We are called to be Proverbs 31 women today, no procrastination allowed! We are to be women of noble character; we are to make decisions about our life today that will affect the kind of wife we may become in the future, decisions like learning submission (always a hot topic in the Christian walk for women!), and you’ll be interested to see ways in which McCulley suggests we can practice submission. We are to learn the many facets of hospitality (Proverbs 31: 14-15); enter into home ownership, if it's feasible, even without a husband (Proverbs 31: 16-19); and single women can have children “who rise up and call her [us] blessed”, as it says in Proverbs 31: 28, even before we have our own biological children (if that is God's plan). I hope you're intrigued enough to want to read the book for yourself and learn much more about how to be a Proverbs 31 woman, something that will serve you well regardless of whether or not you marry in the future.

Don’t let the above deceive you into thinking I found the book easy to read. There were some difficult parts, difficult because the book convicts you and shows you some of your sin. It may also expose some of the weaknesses in your walk with Christ and that can be very uncomfortable. I was personally reminded that my faith is weak and I have to work harder to make time with God a priority in my life.The more time I invest in God's words, the easier it will be to draw on His Word when I am finding it hard to wait on God for a husband.

I was a bit discouraged to learn that the author is still single, but if you look at all that she’s doing with her life, my sentiment is unnecessary−she’s certainly not sitting around feeling sorry for herself! I may have my own selfish reasons for feeling sorry for her: maybe I’m afraid that I will be single 15 years from now and I find that scary. When I start to feel this way, I remember that God, not (a) man, is in control of my life, and I remind myself to have faith that God will answer my prayers in the best way. That is encouraging and quite uplifting.

For those who have wondered if maybe it’s their external appearance (those 50 extra pounds, *ahem*) that is keeping them from catching the eye of a godly man, there is an excellent “Heart Check” on Beauty” at the end of Chapter 10, 10 questions that help you put things in perspective and ensure that your reasons for focusing on your outwardly appearance so much are reasons that are God-honouring. There's also a reminder that it’s our inner beauty that God is concerned about, and that we should also be focusing on (not that McCulley doesn't address outer appearance too). It was all eye opening to me.

There are so many things to appreciate about this book: the fact that McCulley supports her points with biblical references as well as references to resources from other Christian writers, the list of additional reading resources she provides at the end of each chapter, and her sense of humour to name a few. Since I wanted you to read this to the end, I tried to keep it short (well, my definition of short), but don’t think I have spoiled the book or shared all that it has to offer. I truly encourage you to pick up Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God With A Hope Deferred if you want a bible-based book on how to navigate through your season of singleness. If you’re not ready to commit, the first two chapters are available here.

Picture taken by Good Naija Girl.

Singleness and dating

Bianca Juarez is one of my favourite Christian speakers/teachers. She has a blog called In the Name of Love which I read daily and after over six years of singleness she is now getting married and is planning her wedding in just 4 months!!!

Bianca keeps it real in everything that she says which is why I love her so much and find her so inspiring. She has this really great quote which she uses when referring to dating bad boys…

Girl: But he’s so hot.

Bianca: So is hell! {Makes me laugh every time!}

Here is a recent video of hers where she talks about singleness, giving her top 5 dating tips. If you’re single have a listen, if you’re not still have a listen and then pass the info to your single friends.

Enjoy!

Hook A Sista' Up from Bianca Juarez on Vimeo.

You can read the background to this vlog over at (in)courage.

p.s. if you didn’t know she is the twin sister to wedding photographer extraordinaire Jasmine Star

Any advice for single girls?

This question was sent to me via Formspring and I thought it would be good to share the answer.

In addition to all the things I mentioned on my '7 things to do while you're waiting'' post, here are a couple of extra things I would say:

(1) Live your life - enjoy your single years and don't go looking. It's a cliché, but he WILL find you, in his own good time.

(2) Develop your 'wifey' skills e.g. If you want to develop your culinary skills, now is the time - where mistakes don't really matter as much!. Spend time leading a Sunday School class at church or babysitting if you want to develop your maternal skills etc

(3) Guard your heart - ensure that a man defines your relationship with him, before you commit your heart to him {future post on this coming up}. As women we can so often assume things that are not there. Seek advice/guidance from your parents, Pastor or more experience person if you're not sure.

(4) Fill your mind with the truth: I read {and continue to read} many great books. Ones that helped me include:
* Secrets of an Irresistible Woman - Michelle McKinney Hammond
* In search of the Proverbs 31 Man - Michelle McKinney Hammond
* Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen - Candice Watters

Of course the Bible is the book of truth on all matters of life.

(5) Don't beat yourself up if you make mistakes, we all do. Just pick yourself up, ask God for forgiveness and start again.

(6) Develop your own walk with God and pray lots - I can't stress how important this is. I grew up in a Christian home, but it wasn't until I got to university that I developed my own personal relationship with God and I love it. A great book that helped me on prayer is: Too Busy Not to Pray: Slowing Down to Be With God by Bill Hybels

(7) Finally, Surround yourself with great girlfriends; married and single.

'As iron sharpens iron, so one {wo}man sharpens another' Proverbs 27:17.

I have some fantastic girlfriends who have been there throughout the whole singleness journey and continue to support now as I get ready to be wife.

It's great and also important to have someone you can be honest with, accountable to and share the highs and the lows of life. In addition someone who will pray for and with you.

Loving the questions - Keep them coming!