Reader Question: The costs of being a bridesmaid

It’s been a while since we’ve talked weddings on this blog but I thought I would take us back there following an email I received recently from a reader about bridesmaid dresses.

Hey Chichi,
Just wondered if you could help me out with something? A friend has asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding taking place next year and I'm expected to pay £200 for dress+ accessories and the headtie and lace for her engagement ceremony. I'm good for the money so financially that isn't an issue but its still a lot of money especially considering my relationship with this person isn't a close one. In fact I use the term friend loosely here. The fact that I've been asked by her I should consider it an honour to be a part of the wedding but I keep asking myself why I should spend such an amount on someone I'm not close to and by the way this person is Nigerian and so you know a wedding gift will also be expected.

What would your advice be and what price range did your bridesmaids pay for your wedding?

I've always been under the notion that if someone wants you to be part of their bridal train they should at least pay 50% towards the dress, after all you wouldn't expect your wedding guests whom you invited to come and share your day with you to bring their own food.

But anyway what's your two cents on this?

Bridesmaid-to-be

Dear Bridesmaid-to-be,

Thanks for your email.

I personally think £200+ is a lot to pay especially if you’re saying you are not 'close' to this person. For people you care a lot about, money is not an issue, but as you have stated in your email, whilst you are honoured you use the term 'friend' loosely.

It really all depends on how much she means to you and whether you want to be her bridesmaid. If you feel the price is too much to pay, then my thoughts would be to politely decline her request or see if she is willing to contribute to the costs. My guess is, if she was in a position to contribute to costs she would have offered from the outset. Maybe if the style/design hasn't been confirmed you could suggest cheaper options e.g. tailor make the outfits, choose a colour and you all get your own dress. There are different options which are cheaper.

There is no set rule around who pays for what but from a bride's perspective I was conscious that I couldn't ask my friends and family to fork out loads for something they might only wear once. I wanted outfits they would comfortable in and would not break the bank. Hence why we went down the “buy fabric and use tailor” route.

For my bridesmaids the most they paid was around £65 which included the dress and accessories. I did not expect a gift from them even though some of them did kindly buy a gift, some even bought the aseobi as well. Bear in mind that 5/7 of my bridal train were family and the remainder best friends.

Hope this helps!

Bridesmaid-to-be response back…

When I was first told of the costs involved I did mention it were a lot of money but the bride-to be insisted she had been bridesmaid at a few weddings where she had had to pay £500.
The dress has already been chosen by her and I'm still deciding whether its something I see myself wearing again, it would've been nice to have had some input in choosing the dress since I'm asked to pay £110 for it, the rest of the money is towards accessories and gele+ lace which I haven't even seen.

I wouldn't mind being a bridesmaid but then again I would be just as happy as a guest at her wedding but I feel that by declining, she'll hold it against me which is not something I want. By asking her  to contribute to the costs I would see it as inconsiderate of me knowing full well that she has other expenses to cater to in regards to her wedding.

Like I said before, she didn't have to choose me as one of her bridesmaids but she did....*sigh*.....I dunno, guess I'll put this into prayer and seek God's wisdom in this.

Readers…what advice would you give?

Reader Question: Sex + Courtship

Making it to the altar without crossing certain lines is the desire of every couple in courtship, but it is not easy. So when the following email came in from Niki I thought it was really important to address the issue.

I would like to know how whilst courting Mr E were you able to fight sexual temptation. Was temptation even there, if yes was it ever discussed between the two of you? What were some of the practical steps you used to fight it? Was the wait worth it? And what advice can you give to those choosing to practise celibacy? Thanks

Niki many thanks for your email.

In answer to your first couple of questions, yes temptation was there and yes with God’s grace we were able to fight it. I’m not saying this in a ‘yes were are so holy’ kind of way but yes in that we acknowledged temptation is very real and we actively took steps to prepare ourselves for it.

temp·ta·tion [temp-tey-shun] –noun

The desire to have or do something that you know you should avoid

We all face temptation but often we don’t do anything to prepare ourselves for it. In courtship you’re in this situation where you’re with the person God has called you to be with, each day you are getting to know them better and you’re falling deeper in love with each other. You are going to get married anyway, so what’s the big deal about having sex before saying ‘I do’, right? Err wrong!

In 2 Chronicles 12:14 we are told about Rehoboam, the king of Judah and the son of Solomon who ‘did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the LORD’. He was not ready for the attack of the enemy and as a result lost the fight. Preparation is key people!

Talk about it

In a relationship it’s important to be practical, acknowledge that there will be temptation and talk about how to handle it. At the very beginning of our courtship my husband and I had a very open and honest discussion about boundaries. What did we feel was right, what was wrong but ultimately what did the Bible say about it all. We agreed the lines and prayed that God would help us not to cross them.

What we set as boundaries for our relationship might be different to someone else but the ultimate aim is the same - no sex before marriage. By doing this it took away any pressure of ‘what-if situations’ and allowed us to focus on the relationship, getting to know each other better and preparing ourselves for what lied ahead.

Remember the triangle and focus on developing the marriage

Keeping God at the centre of your relationship, reading the word together, praying together makes it a lot harder to fall into compromising situations. During our courtship my husband and I prayed and studied the Bible together on a regular basis. We also listened to talks and read various books {see my sidebar} on marriage.

We quickly began to realise that the closer we came to God the more the Holy Spirit strengthened us and gave us the power to overcome sexual temptation. I would encourage you to develop your walk with God first and foremost as an individual and then as a couple.

This brings me onto a very important point. All of this can only happen if you’re in a relationship where both of you uphold the same Christian values. The Bible highlights the importance of not being unequally yoked.

Remain accountable

Having a level of accountability in any relationship really helps. Someone who prays with you, supports you and encourages you throughout the journey. This person needs to be someone who is older, more spiritually mature and is able to ask those questions! We had a really great discipler who ensured that we weren’t getting up to any hanky panky!

I believe that sexual temptation can be overcome if the right steps are taken in good time. Have a plan before it’s too late. Continue to pray and ask God for His grace to help you.

If you’re single the same applies. Have principles that influence the way you live and the decisions you make. Joseph {of Technicolor coat fame} was a young man who refused to comprise his principles by not sleeping with his bosses’ wife even if it meant getting thrown in jail. Don’t waste your single days wondering when it will all happen, but rather focus on developing your walk with God, hang out with your other Christian friends and work on becoming the person God has destined you to be.

Remember…

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)

And YES, the wait is so worth it!

Further Reading…

Why Wait for Sex? Focus on the Family

Marry Sooner Than Later Boundless

Marry for Sex Boundless

Reader Question: Keeping The Wedding Costs Down

I love receiving mail from my readers and I recently got a lovely email from my reader, Kunbi who is getting married….

I've been a keen visitor of your blog and I love it...always advertising to friends. I'm engaged and my fiancé & I have started planning our wedding. I know you said you were going to write stuff about wedding but could you talk about finances as I know nothing about what to save towards. Could you give estimates? e.g if i want a wedding for 300 people in UK, what should we be aiming for? or how can I find out. Many thanks and I pray God continues to bless your marriage. AMEN

Firstly congratulations on your up coming wedding! One thing to know is that every wedding is different. Some people have got married with £2k and some have spent £20k. It all depends on your budget and how much you are prepared to spend.

Everyone tells you to sit down and work out your budget first but this can be really difficult if you don’t know how much things cost. We had over 500 people at our wedding and didn’t have a first clue about how much a wedding of this size would come to.

The first thing I did was download a budget planner {Wedding Chaos has a Wedding Budget template you can use}, this was so that I could identify the areas where we would need to spend money for the wedding. I then began to do research about the costs of different things using the internet, making calls and speaking to other brides and newlyweds. Once this was done we were able to compile our budget. We then compared this to funds available and tailored it accordingly.

Breaking it Down

The biggest expense you will face on your big day is your venue and/or food/drink. They typically come to around 40-50% of your budget. As your venue is central to proceedings if you can find an affordable venue, it will really help with your overall budget. I know people who got married in their local church and had their reception there has well, as they had a big hall. Cost – zero as it is their home church, so it really depends on your circumstances.

After that you will have things like your attire and photographer which again their prices will depend on what you go for.

It’s hard to provide estimates for things because price is reflective on what you go for and where you live {London is far more expensive than Manchester say} but I can give you some tips which helped us. One of the best pieces of advice given to us was, was that we should come up with a list of things that are non-negotiable. These are things which you must have/include in the wedding. The reason for this is that when it comes to having to make choices about particular things you know how far to budge. If it is a non-negotiable then you fight for it, if not you can let it go. Also remember that nothing is yours until you put down your deposit as in most cases this confirms your booking.

Another thing is about expectations and comparisons. Every wedding is different. Every bride and groom are different. It can be very easy to get sucked into a Wedding Industrial Complex and start to feel like you must have ‘x’ or ‘y’ because you have seen on The Knot or Martha Stewart weddings. Those places are great sources of inspiration, but that is what they should be…inspiration. If you’re starting to feel that your wedding won’t match up or is inadequate, requiring you to spend more money than planned, stop reading those magazines and blogs because your wedding is about creating the day unique to you and your fiancé.

So without further ado here are my tips on ways to save money planning your wedding:

1. Design your own wedding stationery or get someone who can*. It definitely saves you money when you have a lot of guests. I designed all our wedding stationery from 'save the dates', invites, wedding programme and thank you cards and my dad printed them all. If you have design skills definitely have a go, buy some card and print yourself. Ghenet over at teneleventen created her invites and they looked amazing.

2. Utilise the internet. You can get some great deals on everything using the internet. Ebay is especially good for things (picked up coloured envelopes really cheaply on there) as well as sites from overseas if you have enough time to wait for the items to come.

3. Don't forget the obvious places. We got some fantastic items from Ikea as well as local thrift stores. My wedding planner was very financially savvy and picked up some great bargains that we use to decorate the hall.

4. Negotiate with your vendors. My husband and I agreed that whatever price a vendor gave us, that would be our starting point to work down.  This was not because we did not value their service, far from it. We had a budget which we wanted to stay within but valued the skills of certain individuals and wanted to work with them. In those cases we strip things away from the original package quoted in order to keep the price down. For our photographs for instance we just booked Jide to shoot our wedding and provide the photos on a disc rather than the whole album package which we can always do at a later date.

5. People are very talented. People will offer their help, accept it. Our cake was made for free, our DJ was free. Our wedding rings were a gift and our Videographer was free. You might have friends who are skilled in certain areas, don’t be afraid to accept their help.

6. Cut out the un-neccessaries that don't matter to you. Focus on the things that are important to you as a couple. For us that meant not using real napkins, real flowers or having boutonnieres for the men.

7. Skips the favours. Controversial? Maybe. Save you money? Definitely. If you can avoid to give out favours great if you can’t it won’t take anything away from your wedding. We didn’t have favours but we did give gifts to the people who bought the ase-obi.

8. Look out for deals. I was browsing Gumtree one day and saw an advert from a video company who were advising for couples getting married in the next month. They normally shoot documentaries but were now looking to move into weddings. In exchange for being used in their promotional material (e.g. Website) they would shoot the wedding for free. Slaters where we hired the suits for the men had an offer that if you hire so many suits they give you one free. That helped bring the overall cost of the suits down.

9. Be prepared to think outside the box, especially when it comes to venues. Had our numbers been smaller like yours, our choice of affordable venues would have dramatically increased. We discovered that a lot of schools and Universities have fantastic great halls at affordable prices. Speak to them about what they can offer and be prepared to be visionary and think about how you can transform the place.

10. Use your own caterers. One venue we saw which was available for our date wouldn’t let us use our own caterers and wanted to charge £55 a head to make their version of Nigerian food! Even after hosting a Nigerian wedding recently and receiving poor reports about the quality and authenticity of the food, they still refused to allow us to bring our own food. So we said goodbye to them. This will definitely save you money than going thorough your venue and you can control the menu.

11. For decoration be creative. Visit craft stores for inspiration. Hobbycraft is very good for this.

12. You don't have to purchase all you bridal accessories from the same store. Feel free to tap up Etsy where there are lots of creative people who make great items. My bolero was made by the lovely Joy Kelley of ‘How Joyful’ who has her own blog and Etsy shop. Don’t be afraid to buy things from overseas (point 2) as the exchange rate can work in your favour.

13. If you have time, purchase wedding items as and when you see them rather than the last few weeks before the wedding as you can grab some bargain in the sales.

14. Get married in your local church {or the local church of a close relative} as they won’t charge you or charge you as much.

16. Bridesmaid dresses: You can either get your girls to purchase an outfit from the high street {my friend Mel got a great bargain on Coast dresses as she bought them off season} OR buy some fabric you like and get a seamstress to make them for you. Either way it works out much more cost effective. If you need a good tailor in Manchester, drop me a line.

17. Make use of the great technology around. We hosted our wedding on mywedding.com and with that we were able to set up online RSVP which gave people the opportunity to respond to us quickly. We used wufoo to collate everyone’s full names and addresses {you can also do the same using Google Docs). Both of these things didn’t cost anything and as they say time is money, so anywhere you can save yourself time is also of benefit to you.

Hope this helps Kunbi!

Useful Links

Money Saving Expert

Frugal Bride

Confetti

I’m sure other people have great money saving tips for weddings, please feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

If you have your own wedding or relationship questions, please drop me a line.

* Happy to provide any assistance in this area. Please get in touch.

{Picture source from here and Jide Alakija}

Any advice for single girls?

This question was sent to me via Formspring and I thought it would be good to share the answer.

In addition to all the things I mentioned on my '7 things to do while you're waiting'' post, here are a couple of extra things I would say:

(1) Live your life - enjoy your single years and don't go looking. It's a cliché, but he WILL find you, in his own good time.

(2) Develop your 'wifey' skills e.g. If you want to develop your culinary skills, now is the time - where mistakes don't really matter as much!. Spend time leading a Sunday School class at church or babysitting if you want to develop your maternal skills etc

(3) Guard your heart - ensure that a man defines your relationship with him, before you commit your heart to him {future post on this coming up}. As women we can so often assume things that are not there. Seek advice/guidance from your parents, Pastor or more experience person if you're not sure.

(4) Fill your mind with the truth: I read {and continue to read} many great books. Ones that helped me include:
* Secrets of an Irresistible Woman - Michelle McKinney Hammond
* In search of the Proverbs 31 Man - Michelle McKinney Hammond
* Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen - Candice Watters

Of course the Bible is the book of truth on all matters of life.

(5) Don't beat yourself up if you make mistakes, we all do. Just pick yourself up, ask God for forgiveness and start again.

(6) Develop your own walk with God and pray lots - I can't stress how important this is. I grew up in a Christian home, but it wasn't until I got to university that I developed my own personal relationship with God and I love it. A great book that helped me on prayer is: Too Busy Not to Pray: Slowing Down to Be With God by Bill Hybels

(7) Finally, Surround yourself with great girlfriends; married and single.

'As iron sharpens iron, so one {wo}man sharpens another' Proverbs 27:17.

I have some fantastic girlfriends who have been there throughout the whole singleness journey and continue to support now as I get ready to be wife.

It's great and also important to have someone you can be honest with, accountable to and share the highs and the lows of life. In addition someone who will pray for and with you.

Loving the questions - Keep them coming!