"The List" a view from 'H'

Do you have a list?

C'mon now every girl {and guy} does.

What's on yours?

Check out this post by H which I found today, where she talks about her list.

Also wish her a Happy Birthday {hopefully it's not too late!} :)

Guest Post: What do you mean I can’t get a refund???? I don’t think I want HIM anymore!!!

I have reached the age where conversations had with family members and “aunties” at the majority of social events, family reunions, church and church events are frequently centred on marriage.  I am frequently told by the “aunties”   ‘ei my daughter, you are looking very fresh ooo, and ‘Ah! We need to start preparing our headgear’. (In extreme cases).

Whilst showing them a huge grin on my face saying ‘soon come’ , I silently sigh as I question whether they ask these questions to provoke me, or whether they are seriously concerned about my biological clock ticking, or if they genuinely want to come for ‘our’ celebration, to bless me and my husband?  Or are they just being nosy and just want the latest gossip? The mental note of people to invite to ‘our’ wedding celebration in the future increases, I already feel sorry for the numbers!

I know as I prepare for marriage, I refuse to succumb to pressure and settle for less. I have always been observant and good at listening, when it comes to relationships and marriage. Although the promises of marriage are fulfilling, in the home, in society but above all in the eyes of God, the preparation towards marriage is definitely more than a shopping spree, and I am glad I still have the opportunity, to prepare myself for such a wonderful journey. God ordered the steps of Rebekah, and she met the servant of Abraham, who helped her into her destiny.

As I am sure we can all agree, Marriage is a serious business, and the bible refers to Genesis Chapter 24 as a useful scriptural guide in finding the one HE HAS KEPT FOR YOU.

Bishop TD Jakes describes a truly good woman as a wife before she is married, as the quality needs to be embedded in you before you find him, and it is a unique gift of nurturing given by God. One only assumes that, it is through prayer that one acquires this gift, as we know that prayer is the bedrock of every marriage.

Scripture declares ‘whoso findeth a wife finds a good thing’. Bishop Jakes goes on to say that if the scripture had said whoso findeth a woman... then all women could immediately fulfil the role as wife without a doubt.  I am not hereby saying that it is a right or not a right that all women should be married but only expressing that to be married is a privilege.

Like Chichi and many other ladies out there, I enjoy listening to my elders who give advice based on their personal experiences in marriage and also on how a wife must conduct herself in the matrimonial home although sometimes they deliberately forget to include the bad bits, not bad, but not so great aspects. (BUT I must say, one or two close family members give it to me as it is, NO SUGAR COATING). However, having said that, these real life stories are intriguing and helpful; as I believe the advice given will ensure that I am better equipped to deal with marriage.

To what extent in effect, will this advice better equip me to deal with trying times, when they deliberately hold back the negative things about marriage in conversation?  I guess no one can fully prepare you enough for marriage, but yourself with the help of God. Everyones’ situation and relationships are different. We all know marriage is a journey. Pastor Funke Adejumo says ‘the only school where you do not receive a certificate as you start school is marriage, there is no graduation day to look forward to. It is until death us do part...’

My future husband will not have a sell by date; neither will I have a receipt to take him back to where I bought him from to exchange within 28 days, No refunds available!!!

I have always said, I will never settle for less without a doubt! But is that the right mentality to have?

WHAT IS SETTLING FOR LESS?  Is settling for less accepting other people’s flaws and situations? Does it involve being patient and understanding?  Does it mean accepting his present situation for what it is....? 

Listening to other women and their misunderstandings with their Husbands has got me thinking ALOT. Is it right to assume that I will have the same joys and woes? Can I compare their relationship with my prospective husband?  

I am lucky and somewhat privileged to have my mother shower me with advice me not only as the professional wedding planner she is, but as the marriage councillor and above all my mother, what more could I ask for? I remember the look on her face when I said to her in anger ‘You know I am picky and fussy, how would I ever be able to tolerate the difficulties in marriage? ’ Although my mum laughed, we had a long talk and I was able to take away a lot, but she said the most important attribute to my search was patience and prayer before and whilst in marriage. She took the verse from James 5:7 which says ‘therefore be patient, brethren... see how the farmer waits for the precious fruits of the earth’.

She also said, the earlier I face reality that issues will come and go, the better my relationship would be, as it takes grace and appreciation, patience and understanding to achieve such. As we know every human being has the desire to love and be loved.  Once you have found the one God himself has chosen for you, it is not a journey to be embarked on, on your own. It becomes a lifelong partnership between you and your husband.

Voila!!! Enough said.  I now know where to focus my prayers and ensure I am not only that virtuous wife, but I will need to keep the relationship in sync literally.

We can talk about this till Jesus comes again, but we must understand that if it is the right person from the start that we are destined to be with, then all the other issues that may not go the way we expect them to go will become irrelevant.

I now need to focus on how I will be handling his and especially my shortcomings and imperfections too, and include that in my prayer points,  I’m sure it’s not hard if WE focus and pray ladies!!!

Stay Blessed with Love,

Lexie xxx

Guest Post: Preparing While You Wait - Mistakes to Avoid

This is a guest post from Blessing from Blessings Outlet. We don’t really talk about break ups on here, but they are very real and one can learn a lot from them. Blessing thanks for sharing with us!

When my boyfriend and I of three and a half years broke up a few months ago, I was heartbroken, angry, and disappointed. Since he was the one that ended the relationship, I blamed it all on him. I cried to my friends and family telling my one-sided story of how he promised me a lifetime of happiness and love...you know the "Heaven on Earth" sturvs.

After weeks of playing Ms. Innocent, I stepped off of my emotional roller coaster and decided to keep it "real" with myself. Like they say, "It takes two to tango", I finally admitted to playing a huge roll in the downfall of our relationship.

Let's start from the beginning, Well my ex and I jumped into a romantic relationship without being friends first. My ex (let's call him Mike) and I met while I was dating someone else. Myself and "someone else" broke up a few months after I met Mike. Mike and I started dating 3 weeks after the break up. BIG MISTAKE! We never took the time to get to know one another. I did not know what he liked or didn't like, what his future goals were, what his values were, and to top it off we didn't have any goals for our relationship...we just went with the "flow". When our "true colours" started showing we started bumping heads. We both felt like we were deceived and that we weren't getting what we bargained for.

Rule #1: Before you get into any relationship, get to know the other person VERY well!!! (Determine what you expect from the other person; determine where the relationship is heading - you two should be on the same page and allow room for mistakes (no one's perfect)).

Mr. Some else found out that I was dating Mike shortly after my breakup with him and told my father *rolls eyes*. Needless to say I couldn't hide Mike from my family as I intended initially. About two months into our relationship, he met mommy, daddy, sisters, brother and grandma! And within the next few months I met his family also. Eventually both families met on numerous occasions (as a matter of fact they still speak till this day). Mike's mom loves me to pieces and she still hasn't accepted the fact that we've broken up, she says that we're just "on bad terms".

Rule #2: Don't not introduce your bf/gf to family unless its a committed relationship (Having the families involved early in the relationship can make things complicated)

Because we weren't friends from the get go, our conversations were very limited. As in booorrriinngg *yawn*. We never felt comfortable with sharing our feelings with one another. I felt like he was always judging me and he felt like I didn't care; most times I just sat there after hearing him pour his heart out to me and I wouldn't utter a word. We must understand that women and men are different. Usually when women speak, they just someone to listen to them. And most times when men speak, they want advice/support.

Rule #3: We've all heard it before, Communication is highly important!!! Nuff said.

When I met Mike I was just beginning to discover who I was. Throughout my childhood years I suffered from low self esteem. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough or I wasn't smart enough or my body was a hot mess. Another person can pick up on your insecurities easily: they can either get turned off or take advantage of you.

Rule 4: Before you try to love someone else, love yourself first (you can't give what you don't have). We all have flaws, learn to be perfectly imperfect.

I thought I was Mother Theresa or something, I kept training to change Mike! I complained and nagged about every little thing. I would have mood swings and ignore him (that's a no no). There are going to be some things that you can't stand about your significant other, but you'll never be able to change him/her.

Rule #5: Learn to tolerate certain things, as long as its not something illegal or harmful themselves or others. (Change is good, you can either encourage your significant other to change their ways or encourage them to remain the same, depending on how you go about it)

Mike and I are both Christians, at one point we began to pray together on a daily basis. When the drama came along...we stopped praying together and we became distant from one another. You will have challenges in your relationships, you'll bump heads on numerous occasions; praying together helps you to come into agreement with one another and it also makes you accountable to God. Truth be told, a lot of people won't be happy to see you two together. And the devil hates marriage, so he'll do what ever it takes to prevent it or cause it to fall apart.

Rule #6: Prayer goes a long way, it can make or break (the lack of it) a relationship.

*You can even pray for your significant other before you meet him/her (pray for their finances, their health, their relationships with friends and families, etc)

Understand your roles, women RESPECT your man...no that doesn't mean that you'll become his punching bag or that he can treat you anyhow...just let him be the man...the head...its his God given position...you're meant to be his support system...his helpmeet...his neck. And men, LOVE your woman...its as simple as abc...a lil love goes along way...help her around the house, encourage and support her, be romantic, show her some affection!

Rule #7: Play your part and it will all come together.

I've learned from my mistakes and I'm hoping that someone reading this will also. Relationships/Marriage are hard work, but it'll be worth it. Avoid little problems that can turn into bigger problems. You need to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically to be involved with someone else. Commitment requires sacrifice, and sacrifice is never easy.

So prepare yourself while you wait, God never gives you what you're not prepared for!

Guest Post: Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? A review.

This guest post is from Good Naija Girl who currently resides in the Canada and has been working very hard with the Nigerian Blog awards. A woman of many talents she also has a further blog All my singles ladies. Check them out!

I can’t remember where I first heard of the book Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God With A Hope Deferred, but from the title and from reading what the book was about, it was apparent that I, then a 30 year old, single Christian woman, would benefit from it. I bought the book several months ago, and it sat collecting dust as I bought and read another book on relationships, one with a catchier title, written for a secular audience, which was a lot easier to read (as is often the case for me with secular versus Christian books).

I’m glad that Chichi’s invitation to guest blog stirred me to read this book and I’m here to share my first impressions after just finishing it.

When I told people I was reading this book, some mentioned that those sounded like good books to read. But no, that long title is for one book! Some also made an immediate connection to Joshua Harris’s book I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I haven’t read), and it turns out that Harris was the one who gave author Carolyn McCulley the title for her book, and he wrote the forward for Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?

One thing that was interesting to me is the fact that Carolyn McCulley wrote this book from experience: although she’s now 46, she was 40 years old when she wrote the book. She’s a Christian woman who is very active in her church and countless other Christian ministries. And she is a single woman. It was important to me to read a book from the perspective of a woman who was still experiencing what she was writing about at the time she wrote the book (and beyond, as it would appear), because it lends an authenticity to instances where she says that she knows how you, the reader, feels.

Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? is divided into three parts: Surveying Singleness, Finding a Guide for Relationships in the Proverbs 31 Woman, and Finding a Guide for Daily Life in the Proverbs 31 Woman. Not surprisingly, Proverbs 31 is the key reference of this book. Most Christian women preparing for marriage know Proverbs 31 well, and many churches prescribe it as essential reading for women planning to marry one day. My introduction to the Proverbs 31 woman is recent (only in the last few years), and I’d hardly say I’ve really studied it. I’ve read it several times and concluded that I am not ready for marriage (even though I would like to be married soon), but that is not going to change matters, is it? I need to read the words and really meditate over them, and see how I can apply them to my current life and the future I desire. Reading this book is a first step that allows the reader to do just that.

To be honest, there is too much to say on the book, so I’ll have to focus on what I learned and found encouraging, and I'll share some difficult parts too.

I learned that:

1. Singleness is a gift, just as marriage is a gift

   If you’ve been single as long as I have, it might be hard for you to consistently think of singleness as a gift (and there’s a passage early in the book about singleness being a gift you don’t recall asking for that will make you laugh). You may have married friends who have told you that you’re “so lucky” that you’re single and you can do what you want when you want. When you’re trying to leave the single life behind, these words provide little comfort.

   But if you believe that God only gives good gifts, and that God’s measuring stick for what makes a gift good or bad is not the same as a human measuring stick, you will open yourself up to seeing how your singleness is a blessing and how much you can bless others while single (and this book will help you realize both of those goals).

2. Our time on earth is fleeting, and our concern should be on eternal things

   This was encouraging but also difficult. We all know that this world is fleeting and we should be preparing for eternity in heaven, but it’s so easy to get caught up in earthly matters and events, and for women who have dreamed all their lives of being married and having kids, it is very eye-opening to be reminded that the things of this world will not last! Our time fretting over our single status would be better spent doing God’s work here on earth, preparing for eternal future, rather than wondering whether marriage is part of God’s divine plan for us. There are countless ways that we can use some of the advantages of being single to bless others around us (and there are so many in need of this blessing), and the book shares many of these with the reader.

3. Single women are called to be Proverbs 31 women

   If like me you’ve been thinking that you have at least your dating life (prior to marriage) to become the Proverbs 31 woman, this book will jolt you from that “I have time!” mentality. We are called to be Proverbs 31 women today, no procrastination allowed! We are to be women of noble character; we are to make decisions about our life today that will affect the kind of wife we may become in the future, decisions like learning submission (always a hot topic in the Christian walk for women!), and you’ll be interested to see ways in which McCulley suggests we can practice submission. We are to learn the many facets of hospitality (Proverbs 31: 14-15); enter into home ownership, if it's feasible, even without a husband (Proverbs 31: 16-19); and single women can have children “who rise up and call her [us] blessed”, as it says in Proverbs 31: 28, even before we have our own biological children (if that is God's plan). I hope you're intrigued enough to want to read the book for yourself and learn much more about how to be a Proverbs 31 woman, something that will serve you well regardless of whether or not you marry in the future.

Don’t let the above deceive you into thinking I found the book easy to read. There were some difficult parts, difficult because the book convicts you and shows you some of your sin. It may also expose some of the weaknesses in your walk with Christ and that can be very uncomfortable. I was personally reminded that my faith is weak and I have to work harder to make time with God a priority in my life.The more time I invest in God's words, the easier it will be to draw on His Word when I am finding it hard to wait on God for a husband.

I was a bit discouraged to learn that the author is still single, but if you look at all that she’s doing with her life, my sentiment is unnecessary−she’s certainly not sitting around feeling sorry for herself! I may have my own selfish reasons for feeling sorry for her: maybe I’m afraid that I will be single 15 years from now and I find that scary. When I start to feel this way, I remember that God, not (a) man, is in control of my life, and I remind myself to have faith that God will answer my prayers in the best way. That is encouraging and quite uplifting.

For those who have wondered if maybe it’s their external appearance (those 50 extra pounds, *ahem*) that is keeping them from catching the eye of a godly man, there is an excellent “Heart Check” on Beauty” at the end of Chapter 10, 10 questions that help you put things in perspective and ensure that your reasons for focusing on your outwardly appearance so much are reasons that are God-honouring. There's also a reminder that it’s our inner beauty that God is concerned about, and that we should also be focusing on (not that McCulley doesn't address outer appearance too). It was all eye opening to me.

There are so many things to appreciate about this book: the fact that McCulley supports her points with biblical references as well as references to resources from other Christian writers, the list of additional reading resources she provides at the end of each chapter, and her sense of humour to name a few. Since I wanted you to read this to the end, I tried to keep it short (well, my definition of short), but don’t think I have spoiled the book or shared all that it has to offer. I truly encourage you to pick up Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God With A Hope Deferred if you want a bible-based book on how to navigate through your season of singleness. If you’re not ready to commit, the first two chapters are available here.

Picture taken by Good Naija Girl.

Marriage Prep: Meet the In-Laws...

Happy Monday - Weekly post from Mrs O

When you see the term ‘In-laws’ – what do you do - laugh, smile, cry even!?!

The simple fact is that your in-laws are not going anywhere, so here are a few tips on how to have happy relationships with them:

1) His Mum is your Mum and His Dad is your Dad – instead of thinking of them as your ‘in-laws’, consider them as your ‘new-family’. I speak to my ‘new-mum’ (nearly) as much as my birth mum...we have a really good relationship and that’s because I consider myself to be the daughter she never had and behave accordingly. A high level of respect (and humour) have been key.

2) If they appear to like you, thank God for your blessings. Unfortunately not everyone gets along with their in-laws. If you do, you are very very fortunate!

3) Understand their values: Just as, in order to ‘get’ your beau you had to understand where (s)he was coming from…you also have to ‘get’ where your ‘new family’ is coming from. What is their viewpoint on religious, political and social issues? Knowing this will help you to understand why they say the things they say and it will help you respond positively. Note that responding positively is not the same as agreeing to everything they say!

4) Do not change for your ‘new family’! You are who you are - that's why you fell in love and are getting (or got) married. If they appear to have problems with who you are, then it’s most likely a communication problem. This often happens in cross-cultural situations. If there are some communication problems, or they appear not be happy with a major aspect of your personality (one that no-one has ever complained about before) – do nothing about it! I’m serious here. If everyone tells you talk too much, then you probably do – but otherwise, do nothing! You simply cannot put up a façade forever, eventually, the real you will slip out! Equally, it’s difficult to oppose someone forever; if your beau is happy with you as you are, the 'new family' will (or should) eventually come around to the idea that you aren’t going anywhere and that what they see is what they get.

5) Accept that they’re different: By the same token, don’t expect your ‘new family’ to be the same as your ‘birth family’. Your Mum may have stayed home with you and your 10 siblings baking biscuits and watching daytime TV, but if his Mum didn’t, don’t expect her to be enthusiastic when you say you want to be a stay-at-home Mum, which may be translated as 'I want your son to work, whilst I relax now!' Accept your ‘new family’ as they are. They have been this way long before you came on the scene; it’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect them to change now.

6) Get to know your ‘new family’ (without your partner); they will become your family too, it’s great to build solid relationships with them and to enjoy and feel comfortable in their company. My cousin-in-law, (who is actually more like a brother-in-law) is now one of my favourite people! We have the best phone conversations and can spend hours chatting – without Mr O. I’ve made a concerted effort to get-to-know all of my ‘new family’. Of course on occasions, this may be treated with suspicion and in many cases you won’t become best friends overnight, but it’s a great foundation.

7) Don’t tell them everything – they can and will choose the worst possible moment to air your laundry. With your beau – of course you have to share EVERYTHING – there can be NO secrets, but with his Mum --- well, she doesn’t need (or want) to know about what you got up to before you became the ‘good girl!’ that her dear son is now marrying! This applies to the men out there too!

8) United we stand: You and your beau must learn to create a united front, starting now if you haven’t already. You both need to put one another ahead of EVERYONE else, including your parents, sisters, friends and dare say it, children! That's where the 'forsaking all others' bit becomes real. Your husband/wife’s well-being MUST come first. If When your ‘new families’ start to present alternative ideas/lifestyles/life-plans for you both – it will be MUCH easier to politely decline their suggestions if you do it together than to battle against them alone.

9) Unsolicited advice – listen to it, smile and then decide for yourselves what you want to do – try to communicate this in a non-antagonistic and respectful manner. In most cases and for the sake of harmony, it simply isn’t worth arguing with your ‘new family’, they are not always as forgiving as your ‘birth family’. Choose your battles wisely! James 1:19 sums this up well: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”.

10) Always make the extra effort with your ‘new family’. This doesn’t mean going all out to impress them - You don’t have to cook a 5 course meal with a homemade sorbet course BUT you must always

· be the ‘bigger man’ or ‘bigger woman’

· never make snide comments;

· always be the first to say sorry {I hope you would never need to!};

· be the first to offer acts of kindness;

· remember birthdays;

· keep their favourite drink in stock, for those impromptu visits!

· call every now and again just to say ‘hi’;

· Smile and show how happy you are through your words and actions to be part of the family!

How do you keep things sweet with your 'new family'?

Marriage Prep School is now in session: 3Ps

Happy Monday – Weekly post from Mrs O

I know plenty of people who are ‘getting married’ and who have become so absorbed with ‘wedding-prep’, they’ve pushed ‘marriage-prep’ to one side.  Marriage is an institution that holds societies together and has done since time began, it’s a commitment with one person and forever – it’s a very big deal. So, whilst it’s great to prepare for the wedding {and let’s face it, you’d be mad not to!}, the marriage must take priority.

We planned our wedding over 18 months or so, and in honesty, it was only when we reached the half way point that we really thought about our impending marriage. We reached a major stumbling block in our lives, there was a LOT going on and it forced us to reassess – re-evaluate and really think about what being married would actually BE like.

Over the next couple of weeks, I’d love to share some insights into relationships and marriage – from how to know when you’ve met Mr Right, to how to deal with your in-laws and of course, the big taboo subject – sex and your relationship. Some of my insights are from my personal perspective and others have been shared with me by my network of friends and family – who are in a variety of circumstances – single, cohabiting, married, divorced, widowed etc.

……………………………………

On our wedding day, my Mum, who was married for just short of 25 years, but is now unfortunately a widow {RIP Daddy}, shared a few private words with us whilst offering us a traditional peace drink.

She said ‘plan, pray and play together – that is all you need to do’. It was quite funny because we expected a really long and utterly-profound monologue, but that was all she had to say. She has since of course offered much unsolicited {but still appreciated} advice, but ‘plan, pray and play’ is the one that has stuck with us the most!

For those who are getting married really soon, here are a few tips on preparing for marriage – based around this PPP concept:

Pray together

{Source}

This is not limited to meal times or necessarily first thing in the morning, but find a time that suits your lifestyle to sit down and pray together; it’s a great habit to get into. Our daughter spontaneously burst into a prayer the other day – it was beautiful and reassured us that God clearly has a key role in our day-to-day lives – even if sometime we don’t make it to church on Sundays!

Pray not just to give thanks for your relationship, but to give thanks for all those around you who’ve had a positive influence on you and your relationship.

Pray together that your family will accept one another and for God’s mercy on those who are having a negative influence on your relationships, for those who continually strive to upset your harmonious balance – pray for them.

Pray together that you will both be fulfilled in your work, pray that you will make more time for one another, pray that you will show interest in and nourish one another’s interests.

Basically, pray for every single area of your relationship and your individual lives.

It can be a bit overwhelming to pray about everything at once, so perhaps try focusing on one issue – the issue that you’ve been carrying around all day, the one that you are most concerned with at that time.

Sometimes when we do this, we end up praying for AGES and it opens the door for communication on hard to discuss issues e.g. ‘your Dad is driving me crazy!’ – I mean who wants to hear that!

Plan together

Share a five year plan; are you on the same wavelength? Do you want the same things? Do you want them at the same time? I am sure that you had this talk in advance of the proposal, BUT it doesn’t hurt to have it again… which order would you like to do things in – house, then babies, then career or another order. There is no ‘correct’ order; however, whatever works for you both is the right order. 

Again, pray on this, ask for God’s guidance – is this what you’re supposed to be aiming for? Who do you need in your life to realise your dreams. Talk to Jesus, he always listens!

Play together

When all the cake has been eaten, you no longer fit into your dress, and the novelty of being a newlywed has gone; when you’re back to work and haven’t properly seen your now-husband in days (even though you live in the same house) - remember to have fun! You’re still you – no need to become a desperate housewife – or househusband!

{Source}

On a practical level, why not consider a series of mini-moons instead of a big honeymoon.  We did this, partly for financial and work/study reasons, but mostly because we wanted to have things to look forward to after the big day. So far, we have been snowed in at The Bell in Hampton Poyle and more recently have mini-mooned in Paris! We hope to do a few more mini-moons and we’re enjoying researching the next hotspot and generally having fun in between.

So there you have it, the 3Ps.

How are you preparing for your marriage?

You can see what else Mrs O has to say over at her blog Planning, Praying and Playing, where she documents her mission to plan, pray and play her way through life. With a fine balance of humour, pretty and 'real-talk', she tells us what it's really like to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a 'tryna-b-Christian' and newest of all, a *wife*.

Failure to prepare is preparing to fail

Last week E! showed the wedding of Khloe Kardashian {‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ fame} and Lamar Odom {LA Lakers} who decided to get married after a month of meeting each other, and planned the wedding in just 9 days.

Now obviously no one can comment on somebody else’s personal situation but I know I wouldn't feel comfortable getting married to someone after a month, no matter how ‘in love’ I felt.

It got me thinking about marriage preparation and what people do to get themselves ready for marriage and how you know when you’re ready. Your wedding is only one day and is the start of the rest of your life. Your marriage will last a life time, so needs to be built on a solid foundation.

Over the past year, we have spent time in pre-marital classes, read loads of books, read lots of articles in magazines and online, been sat down by members of the older generation who want to give advice {and trust me they have been real pearls of wisdom}, watched TV programmes. Lots. And like a sponge I’m soaking it all in, as I believe you can’t have enough good advice. To be honest the books are great, but in a sense it’s just theory, I get so much more value from the people who are living and breathing it daily. Especially those couples who have been married for many many years.

I personally have really valued every moment because sometimes you need those opportunities to sit there with your significant other and discuss issues that you might not want to talk about. As my dad would say, it’s better to talk about them on this side of the marriage, as once you’re married there’s no going back.

In turn as you walk through the journey of courtship, your level of ‘readiness’ should increase. I know mine has. When we set the wedding for September 09, I felt in myself great I have a year to ‘get ready’ – my excuse at the time was ‘off course you can’t plan a wedding in less than a year’, clearly you definitely can. Now that they year has been and gone, I feel like I’m in overtime, you know like in a football match. The game has ended and I’m playing extra time.

Nearlyweds, how are you preparing for your marriage? Newlyweds and married folks what piece of advice have you found most valuable?

Photo from OK Magazine

The Marriage Course

For those of you who have heard about Alpha, you may not know that the church behind it, Holy Trinity Brompton, have another course specifically tailored at couples called 'The Marriage Course'.

Written by Nicky and Sila Lee, who are also authors of 'The Marriage Book' {which I have read and will review in another post}, the 7 week course is suitable for all age groups, from those preparing for marriage {moi}, those going through a bit of a rocky time and also those who want to enrich their current experience of married life.

The format of each event usually goes like this:

Dinner: Each evening starts at 7pm with a catered dinner meal. Over dinner there’s an opportunity to spend time together as a couple or with other couples if you desire (if you are coming with friends). The mood for the evening is "A Dinner Date" (dress is casual, however!).

Talk: You will then view a talk on a specific topic given by Nicky and Sila Lee on video. Topics include:

• Building Strong Foundations
• The Art of Communication
• Resolving Conflict
• The Power of Forgiveness
• Parents and In-Laws

All chosen because they are foundational to a healthy marriage.

Discussion: During the talk there are exercises for you to do together as a couple. Every effort is made to make sure your conversations aren’t being overheard and music is played in the background. During the longest exercise you are served coffee or tea and cake. The exercises come from a workbook each person will receive on the first night.

Homework: At the end of each session you will be given some homework to do together before the next session. It isn’t looked at by anyone else and is just for your own benefit to help you continue your discussion at home.  The evening ends around 9:15pm.

Each event is set up, so that couples can have an intimate environment {candle lit dinner for two}, giving them the opportunity to talk about their relationship in private. Nicky and Sila’s approach is very down to earth with lots of practical ideas drawn from their own 25 year marriage.

For the past few weeks they have been showing The Marriage Course on UCB and have now started showing it on GOD Channel. Mr E and I have been watching it,  doing our own mini marriage course and the great thing about Sky+ is that you can record it and watch at your convenience. Also being able to rewind and pause where needs be, affords you the time to discuss certain issues and how they relate to the relationship.

We can both confidently say that we have taken away a lot from the course so far and would encourage others to take part, even if it is just watching the programme on TV. For those of you who want to join in on the marriage course fun, check it out the GOD channel {Sky viewers 580}, Wednesdays at 9pm or in the flesh at a place near you!

If you have a spare 5 mins...

I love reading and try to read a new book every month. I even got an award at school, when I was 12 for taking the most books out of the school library! Lately I have found myself really busy and it has been taking me AGES to finish one book. But with reclaiming back time, I'm really hoping to get back to my 'one book a month' routine very soon.

When I have the chance to read, I am reading a lot of books that help with courtship and the prepartion for marriage. Two books I have read recently, that I would highly recommend are: 

The Man Whisperer: Speaking Your Man's Language to Bring Out His Best - Rick Johnson

I really enjoyed this book as it essentially got you to think like a man and see things from their perspective. It also made me realise the massive role that we women have in supporting our men through all things and if they are the head of the home, then we are the neck. It talks about how the words we speak can bring your man down or raise him up and we should always hold him in high regard in front of others, no matter what. Really great book for all people in relationships, married or not. 

Marriage Works - J.John

Mr E bought this book and gave it to me to read, once he had finished. This book talks about everything that goes on before you reach marriage in terms of friendship, serious dating, courtship etc. Then it moves on to what happens when you are married and the different aspects and areas you should consider from a social, psycological, physical and sexual perpsective. Very insightful and whilst written by a Christian writer it appeals to all. 

Both books are available from all good bookstores or online.